We did make a written agreement that if any of our friends or partners in the future attack either of one of personally, without anything that looks like a legitimate cause, we will cut them off. But it bothers me that we even had to write that down, I guess. It seems like a committed couple shouldn't have to do that?
Not every committed couple comes with the skills "right out of the box." Sometimes part of that commitment is to sit down to assess and intentionally grow the skills that need growing so the couple can continue
in their commitment.
Could consider letting go of "should" language and go with "could" so you can not be bothered.
"A committed couple could write things down as a learning tool when growing discernment skills."
Hang in there with it. I'm glad you guys are trying and couples therapy is helping in the process.