Thread: Mono People.
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Old 12-01-2013, 11:16 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

The reason I'm asking this is because of a difference I've noticed in me and my partner. You see, one of my biggest fears is dating someone who I bond with, and then they decide they don't want either of us to be poly and I have to choose poly or them. Now, I know what I am most likely to choose, poly, but still, the idea of losing someone I've bonded with feels me with dread.

Due to my fear, I won't even reply to someone who either hasn't declared themselves to be non monogamous or mention the fact that I am poly and they are cool with it in their opening message. I don't even pay much attention to the "are you open to open relationships?" question on OKC because I've found for most people it actually means are you okay with dating a few people before you settle down with one. This severely limits my dating pool, for one, and actually I don't really like the thought of dismissing people who don't know about or have never considered polyamory and might be highly compatible with me and being poly. Alas, the fear wins.

My partner, however, would consider dating someone who isn't and may not ever be poly. Eg, last week a woman asked him if the poly thing he has on his profile is just excusing sexual promiscuity. He went on to explain what it means to him and why it works for him and the conversation just evolved into other things from there. Some of the comments weren't anti-poly, per se, but they could be construed as not exactly taking it very seriously. The way he sees it is that if at any point of their bonding, she or anyone else becomes unhappy with him being poly, they would stop seeing each other. I totally believe and trust him about that, but it is hard for me to fathom why he wouldn't want to avoid that altogether. I'm wondering if other people take the extreme "nip it in the bud" approach that I do.

Saying that, I do acknowledge that he is maximizing his dating pool by giving the Noobs and the Didn't Even Knows a chance and to be honest, I probably should be looking at ways to maximize mine. And even if someone does make a declaration one way or the other, it doesnt mean it won't happen and knowing that makes me question why I feel I need that before I even go on a date with someone.

Last edited by london; 12-01-2013 at 11:18 AM.
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