Originally Posted by SparklePony
Some of your communication issues sound related to the natural differences between how men and women communicate. I just returned from a Women's Weekend workshop (focused on monogamous relationships but a lot of the same ideas apply) and we learned a lot about communication between the sexes.
While women like to talk about their relationships and feelings, they get frustrated when their men don't share the same amount of emotional energy in the same way they do. In general, women communicate with words, men communicate through actions. Poly men seem more adept at communication with words than usual, but this guy seems less comfortable with being poly than you, so he's probably more of an action's communicator. Look at what he does instead of what he says or doesn't say. Do his actions make your wife feel loved? Are his actions friendly and welcoming towards you?
I'm not a man so I'm not sure exactly how this works, but I would suggest you try communicating with him "like a man." Find "man time" activities you can bond over, sports, beer or whatever you dudes like. Think about other men that you have close (friendship) bonds with and how you interact with them. He's probably more comfortable with this kind of communication than getting all emotional and complex and wordy.
And help your wife to relax about his lack of communication...if she were to talk to any of her woman friends about their husbands she would get an earload of "my husband is the same way," "can't talk about 'us'." She's probably spoiled by your extremely good communication skills and thus expects him to be the same.
OK, thanks SparklePony, I have never really had many guy friends, like I have ONE real friend that was not female, so maybe I am limited in being able to talk freely with him because of that. We have a few common interests, but he not the typical guy
, zero interest in beer or sports, etc...
I am seeking some ground on which we may connect in this way. I get mixed vibes from about his feelings for me...I think I care for him much more. He's slowly getting more open with her about what's on his mind, and in his heart, so she is satisfied with the improvement.
His actions do completely make her feel loved. He is always there for her. He has some deep sadness regarding Thanksgiving from his past marriage, thus the no show Thursday. But he has on his indicated he is happy with their relationship, no pressure to commit from anyone, and is sticking around, we have discussed him moving in with us.