After that weekend, we began to lose contact further. I asked him numerous times not to email, and finally he agreed. This relationship has been really hard for me to “get over.” I think the most difficult thing was that I never was able to really discuss with him what happened and why it happened.
Neither of my boyfriends had any negative reaction to my disability. The young one thought of me as sort of a mentor, so disability activism was something he became interested in and thought a lot about. He would write poems about ableism. There were some hard moments tho. When we first were together, he told me that growing up in rural Idaho he had never had much interaction with disabled people. He had never met anyone with cerebral palsy. At first, he didn’t know what to expect and whether he could relate to me. Because I have slurred speech people often make a mistake about what it is: they often think I am drunk or deaf or mentally impaired. I’ve been dismissed due to my voice many times. Sometimes in intial phone job interviews. Once by the police while trying to report a crime, often by cabbies, once by a guy in a club who I asked to dance and he turned to his friend and said “she’s some kind of retard.”
My other boyfriend (who is 9 years older than me) had the reaction of no reaction. I told him before we met, but it wasn’t something that particularly interested him. At first, I would occasionally talk about my activist, but he never seemed to want to talk about it. But there were a lot things he didn’t want to discuss. I took it as partly generational and partly just him accepting me as a whole.
Today, I was learning a lot about gay sex hookups. My friend has an app on his phone called Scuff. It detects other guys online and says where they are located. One was within 361 feet from us! They are all cute. We discussed the difficulty of the hook-up and how the internet affects that. I am mildly interested in the “hook up.” But, how I feel about it is still unclear. I am tempted to do it, but there are a few things that hold me back.
I actually HAVE done it, with a college student (20 wow!) last summer. He was a brilliant kid, sensitive. We spoke for awhile online. We talked aout what he was reading for school. He told me he didn’t have a girlfriend because it seemed his friends had them just to have someone. He thought that was silly. We met in a café and then came to my house and we fucked. I can’t remember his name! But afterward was akward. He smoked a cigarette and then left. I never heard from or saw him again. Did I find this satisfying? Well, it was definitely sexy and I had a “sex fix” that lasted two or three months. But, I didn’t really feel any of the feelings I wanted : closeness, longing, passion. And I guess I felt a little empty. Immediately, of course, I thought of N and emailed him.
But other than emotionally, I feel some fear with the hook-up. My gay friend plays with his boyfriend, so it’s two men. With me, it’s just, well me. I wouldn’t go to anyone’s apartment and I don’t feel 100% comfortable with them coming to my house.