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Old 11-30-2013, 06:10 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Hubby took the exact actions that his wife seems to have been insisting he take (in a perfectly non-controlling way) and yet she is STILL not happy with his actions.
Which actions?
  • With his (break up) actions? I think she's probably fine.
  • With his (assess ALL problems as "not important, not urgent") actions -- I think she is probably not fine.

She's had one of his past partners threaten her with violence. We don't know how that played out, but I'm sure it wasn't fun and games.

It seems recent, so she may need and could ask for extra reassurance from him for a while on that front before she can relax again. Nobody likes being threatened.

Everything to him is (not important, not urgent). That may be so, but does he know what SHE ranks things as? They don't seem to have a shared standard at this time.

So she's worried he's not a reliable judge of character at this time and she can't know if he's holding back critical info. She cannot relax wondering if he's missing other crayons.

In other words -- the full box of discernment crayons would be
  • IMPORTANT AND URGENT!
  • IMPORTANT, but not urgent
  • not important, but URGENT
  • not important, not urgent (<--- that's the only one he has.)

WORRIES FOR HER:

Does he have them all? Can he use them to be able to know what to tell her and what to skip in a reliable way so she doesn't come to harm?
WORRIES FOR HIM:
What if he DOES have them all? No worries. He's got them. What she going on about? How can he help her relax already?
WORRIES FOR THEM:
Then the problem is not him with lack of crayons... but them not having a shared standard.
If she knew she was being threatened, she could something about it. But if her husband doesn't know how to discern if/when he could raise the alert flag... or doesn't agree on what point to do it at.... that's not particularly reassuring to her.

Just as everything cannot be "IMPORTANT AND URGENT" -- everything cannot be "not important, not urgent."

That's why I suggest they could spent some time talking and figuring out a discernment tool and ultimately what their shared standard/boundaries will be.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-30-2013 at 06:19 PM.
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