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Old 11-30-2013, 03:35 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 127

The boundaries in online dating should be, figure out what you want (which could be more than one kind of thing) and don't waste your time on people who don't add value to your life.

There are a huge amount of men online who want casual sex. I personally define this as "sex outside a romantic relationship," and I see it as taking three different forms. Some of the men who want casual sex are just out to bang you once and may not even answer a text message afterwards. Some might want continued sexual encounters, but on a strictly casual, "booty call" basis, where you meet for sex a few times but don't really have a friendship outside of that. And some might be open to growing a friendship and continuing to see each other (friendship with benefits), but may not want anything romantic. You need to figure out if you are OK with any of these possibilities, and if so, which ones. If you don't want one-nighters or ongoing booty calls, then stay away from everyone who is trying to get you into bed quickly. Someone who just wants a hookup once or a few times is not going to put the time into getting to know you and developing a friendship. As time goes on, you will be better at spotting the seekers of sex without friendship, but for now, unless you are Ok with having these kinds of sexual encounters, make everyone put in the time to get to know you.

Friendships with benefits can be nice things to have (I don't personally have them but many poly people I know seem to get a lot out of these connections). But you should also know that it is absolutely possible to have loving, committed, romantic relationships even though you are already married. You are most likely to find these types of relationships if you are dating people who identify as polyamorous. Some, not all, of those men are actually looking to give their heart to someone new in their lives. If you want that, stick to men who identify as poly. You won't find love with all of them, but in my experience, you are unlikely to find this kind of relationship with someone who identifies as monogamous, or if you do, the relationship will not be sustainable.

I will also say that it is perfectly legitimate to make friends in the online dating world and choose to never sleep with them. If things are going well with your first guy, the one you already slept with, then by all means keep him around and see how things go, if you are liking your time with him. But you do NOT have to sleep with the second guy unless you really want to. Nor are you obligated to continue sleeping with the first one unless you really want to.

Oh, and I would advise you to stay away from everyone who is cheating on a wife or girlfriend. Someone who lies to their partner will lie to you even quicker. The married guys in the sexless marriages who seem SO sweet and charming? I am sure you have encountered those on OKC. I was dumb enough to talk to (and sleep with) some of those years ago, and all I will say is, there is usually a reason their wives don't want them sexually anymore.

Value your time and energy, and don't expend either of those on people who don't treat you well and make you happy.

Good luck.

Last edited by scarletzinnia; 11-30-2013 at 03:54 PM.
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