Just a quick update:
I have stood by my resolve to not communicate with M. It's killing a part of me and it's very hard to pretend I don't have this pain while working with my wife on our issues. I catch myself wondering if she is feeling the same and then I want to comfort her. Then I listen to the "hey dumbass" part of my brain and refocus on my wife. This is going to be so hard. I guess I have what some textbooks consider dependent personality. I just need to redirect that and work through it.
My wife and I are making advances. We are talking very open whenever something comes up that causes either one to feel slighted or less than loved. We know that we are both hyper sensitive right now and don't take any of it personally. We are seeing counselors seperately for right now to work on individual issues, then we will both see the same one to work on our marriage issues (if they still exist after we work through our individual issues).
I know that my wife and I will make it.
After things that we have discussed, I know that I will never be able to bring up my poly desires without it crushing her. She wouldn't ever feel comfortable having me share my intimacy with another woman. I will always love M and I will always think about her. That's it though, it will just be thought. If my wife ever brings it up (WAY WAY WAY WAY OUTSIDE CHANCE), then I will change my outlook.
The irony is that through some discussions and reading of posts on this site, I actually can say that if she were to come home tonight and tell me that she loves another guy just like I love M... I would be 100% ok with it.
Thanks again for giving me a place to discuss my issues without judgement and often providing constructive feedback.