I began to have adventures that I hadn’t had before. Sex-skyped with a cute orthodox college kid. I met a boy who wanted to be dominated via g-chat. He had a girlfriend so it wasn’t the best situation. Mostly, I would watch him masturbate via skype and then command him to clean the house and make his GF dinner (which he did). He was interesting to me because he was a very gentle person who just had this kinky side that he could tell anyone about. He also had the biggest cock I’d ever seen, It was uncomfortably big. We met one day and I ‘forced” him to go down on me in a parking lot. I also had many dates. Mostly just drinks with little interest on either side. Dates were and are hard for me because (from online) I don’t really know if there is an attraction and often there isn’t so it seems like an hour wasted.
But what happened, mostly, was I started to discover that I had sexual power. Like everyone else, some people wanted me, others didn’t. But, before, I had no sexual power. society, my family, the media: there had been NO messages that disabled women could be sexual. This, coupled with trauma over my mother’s dating habits, Catholicism and having two sex addicted friends, one who died of AIDS, one who nearly died of AIDS, made for someone, well who could not have an orgasm. I unfairly blamed a lot on my husband thinking I wasn’t attracted to him: however, I never oogled men or their cocks. I didn’t masturbate. I did not watch porn. Having orgams (yes!) while asleep and having sex to make my husband happy were the extent of my sex life. I had had a high libido as a young woman, and I thought I had a low libido now. Turns out. I didn’t.
So, while all this discovery was happening, my husband started dating someone. She was kinky too. They were a like in many ways and they became close quickly. I did not meet her for a few months. He would not spend the night with her b/c we weren’t “Out” to our son. After my first boyfriend, I came out to anyone who would listen, friends, parents, everyone. hat
I also became involved with someone and I began “cheating.” I met a man on Cupid who I will call N. N and I had a lot in common. We were both artists and we had very simulair martial issues. I was in a weak time because I was still “getting over” that damn boyfriend (who was now engaged). N told me about the unhappiness in his marriage and something clicked. I told him I didn’t want to get involved with someone “cheating” and told him to go away. Howver, he was persistant in a way that none of the others had been. He emailed every day. He answered every email quickly. He always asked how I was. Words I didn’t hear often, We decided to meet and started a short-lived sexual relationship. We kissed a lot in pubic and he came over to my house once. Mostly, the relationship was about two people who were unhappy and listened and empathized with each other. But I wanted more. I wanted to be sexual with him. He would give me mixed messages. I kept going back and forth. My desire for him was strong, so it was blocking off my emotional empathy for his wife and I was stuck in something I’d thought I’d never do. I have been attracted to other married men whose wives I know and a red light stops me. So, I kept trying different things to change the situation: being casual friends, asking to mmeet his wife, asking him to tell his wife about our friendship, cutting off communication. I went on list-servs for cheaters and survivors to learn more about how cheating affects people and to create more empathy for his wife, to guilt myself into cutting off communication. We had long stopped any sexual contact, but he told his wife that I was a casual accaintance, not someone he spoke with every day. And when we had drinks, he would not tell her to my knowledge.
As of both our faults, our lives began to mere in ways they shouldn’t have. I met his kid, his friends, and so on. I continued reading about infidelity and the other side of it to build empathy for his wife. I also continued dating to try to distract myself. I read on the infidelity websites that sometimes people decide to tell the wife. I had her contact info, but felt it was his problem. I was never out to ruin anyone’s life. I just, selfishly, wanted my friend. As you can imagine, as I fluxed, saying one day let’s never speak again and the next, let’s just be friends and stop lying to your wife, he became more and more distant. He stopped taking about his marriage. I was frustrated because I didn’t want to be a “sounding board” and he would not DO anything about his marriage. Not go to conseling or break up – just complain. It all came to a stop when I confronted him for continuing to cruise girls online (kept running into him). It seemed like he was just avoiding everything. Me. His wife. and lying to ME and HER. It seemed like he was just looking for the next woman to distract himself. I felt totally hurt. I had thought we had a real connection. I think we still do, but he was doing everything to avoid dealing with his feelings. He got livid at me “checking up on him.” I had told him that I wanted to talk about it and I accepted whatever he was trying to do as a friend. He decided not to see me anymore (but kept emailing and saying he would). Next stop, some mutual friends got engaged and both of our families were invited to the party. I thought that this would be a good opportunity to meet his wife and be presented as a friend. Somehow I got involved on a married person’s list-serv and people suggested that I was being an awful whore “flaunting’ myself. I asked him whether it was a good idea and he gave me the usual ‘I don’t mind”. I decided it was naïve, and perhaps mean to go…so I didn’t.