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Old 11-29-2013, 07:32 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221
Default Hello OK Cupid...Am I "out"?

I was still struggling with my feelings about my boyfriend. I had invited him to come live with us for the summer. With this at the back of my mind, my husband and I moved into separate bedrooms and put our son into the small bedroom in the front. There were also other reasons for this change. I have pretty severe sleeping problems and have always found it difficult to sleep together. As we are both writers, we both wanted office space. The fact that we live in a 824 Sq FT apartment with four animals and a kid left us no psychic space.

My boyfriend finally met the girl who was “right” for him. I went out West for a visit, but he refused to see me and talk (they had been dating about 2 weeks). He didn’t even tell me until I got there and he told me over text message. O! 28 yr olds! This all led to a lot of screaming in the phone. But, he finally began to develop what he wanted. I was happy and proud of him in a way…but also suffering intense grief, not only of the relationship, but of all the other, past grief. To make matters worse, I was in town to support a friend who had been addicted to meth and sex for two years. He had just kicked out his meth addicted boyfriend and was trying to get clean. However, one night I work up and he was an orgy and didn’t resurface until 2 the next day. Then, he asked me to leave the apartment so he could fuck and probably use with his ex. I ended up, literally, alone on Easter in a bar. I was drinking heavily the entire trip. I was in more pain than I could bear. My ex would not speak to me. My friend was still using. My family felt far away. Meditation was no help. I finally considered suicide, but was able to get myself home.

Once home, I felt very safe. Things went up and down with my ex. We both tried to cut each other off, we tried being friends, he tried asking me for advice. But it always ended in passion, fights, and fear. My family had already made plans to go out there that summer, so I wanted to do something to protect my life and have a social life. I went on OKcupid, but in THAT zip code and started talking to men with the intension that I might have a descraction out there. I quickly met lots of men, but nothing really came of it. Except!

I met this boy named Chris. We started having “sex” via text message. One day I was doing this via text and I had an orgasm! Pretty much my first via masturbation. I was 42. Chris and I planned to meet, but we never did. My family went out there and my boyfriend were unable to resolve anything,. I did meet his girlfriend, but he didn’t want to spend time with all of us as friends, and he wouldn’t tell her about our affair, which had been a daily think for two years. We just fought. It was a disaster.

Meanwhile, my husband was pretty into Cupid, He began chatting with a few women before we left for the summer. He had dates to go back to! I was supportive and we had a lot of conversations about sexual politics and the philosophy of dating. I ended up helping him make his profile!

I had closed my profile, but a few weeks after returning home, I decided to reopen it, this time in New York. I had a pretty wild profile. I wrote that I like to give head…which I do and it got lots of attention. But I decided not to disclose my disability on the profile. I discussed this ethically with some friends who agree it was not needed. After all,, many people lie about something and this was omission, not lying. Since, I’m so for “outing” it might seem unfair or contradictory, but I wanted to be judged (or rather not judged) on the same playing field as other women. Of course, other women have to deal with race issues, but disability has the stigma of being “non-sexual” in a way that race doesn’t. I have found many many more people to be ableist than racist. Anyway, my logic.

Then, came the question of how and when to tell men. I tried it different ways: casually dropping it in, making it serious, telling them I would understand if it wasn’t their thing…again, this was a small sampling – I’ve been in contact with about 70 different men – and there seemed to be an age difference. Most men my age or older fled the minute they found out. Men UNDER 30 didn’t give a shit, and sometimes it would make them mORE curious. I liken this to the way that disability perception has changed over the past ten years and younger dudes have been taught about disability in college. Of course, the “older, accomplished, married woman” doesn’t hurt! I don’t think I went on many, if any, dates before telling the guy. Although my disability is minimal, it is obvious and not telling just seemed to stressful for everyone. Fair or unfair, disability became a test…I could automatically get rid of a lot of options – and there were options, at first. (More on this later). I think only one guy was brave enough to say I don’t want to date a disabled person. The rest just stop the conversation. Occasionally, I write them a note “Not your type?” Now, because I have a public persona as a poet, there are videos of me reading online and they can see who I am.

Last edited by bofish; 11-29-2013 at 07:35 PM.
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