Possible mistake tonight & a realization
P's wife was at work, and I swung past his house for hugs on the way home from my family thanksgiving. I haven't seen him in person in about two weeks.
It may have been a mistake to see him tonight. It felt so good to be in his arms. I love him and I only want to be with him. Even though we are "not dating" I want only him in my life as a romantic partner.
He showed me something on his computer and I saw the OKC logo on a tab and it felt like a knife through my heart reminding me that I am not enough. I started crying, then sobbing so much I had to run to car and bawl until I was cried out enough to drive home.
Months ago I had offered a compromise to try to help rebuild my trust... to go ahead and keep messaging new women on OKC but to be clear early in messaging of what his intentions were, and to show me that message and the woman's reply. He was angry, that I wanted to monitor his conversations - No, I just wanted reassurance that he could be clear to prevent this from happening again, that my KNOWING in concrete terms that he had been clear would go a long way to my emotional security.
He had in a haste said he was going to delete his OKC account. I begged him to, to vacation mode it until he thought it through, knowing if deleted it would be a heck of a lot work to put it back up and I was happy with him finding friends who understand poly to chat with. He did vacation mode it.
But then was when I broke up with him and almost the next day, or was it the next day? he had reactivated it. I felt like I was so easily replaced.
I feel like unless he can understand how I feel betrayed, it would likely happen over and over again because he would not know how it could hurt me (or another OSO). He says he is trying to understand. Will he ever?
Is the only way to protect him and protect me from hurting more to cut all ties? Rip the bandaid off in one swoop and just let it heal in the open air? Even trying to be just friends reminds me of how I am not enough for him, of how he cannot understand how refusing to reassure me by being totally honest of his intentions with others can feel like he is hedging his bets, being misleading to one or another of us women.
And yet he tells me that hurts him, the thought that he might mean less to me if we are not constantly messaging and declaring our love for one another. I have friends that I love that I would give my life for that I don't see for years, speak to for months at at time, much less message many times daily. I wish he could see that friendship is not in quantity of connection but depth - shouldn't a truly poly person who declares that splitting time between loves and not being there day to day can still be fully committed and loving to a committed partner or spouse understand that?
If I do eventually get over him and find another love, I have always been one to put my partner(s) first in my heart. That would mean my partner gets first dibs on family activities, festivals that mean a lot to me, etc... And if my new partner did not want or was not available to share those with me and was comfortable with me asking P to join me, then yes, P would be my second choice to join me. It would not be because he would be loved any less than I love him right now.
Wow - writing this out explains how I feel the time and activities he was able to offer me as his supposedly committed co-primary felt so often like table scraps to me - leftovers of what he had available after his offering his time to his wife first. I now feel like I was never really a full co-primary, just a secondary to so often fill the voids he had emotionally, physically, and time-wise with his also-poly wife. Time with me felt so often like, "Let me see what my wife's work and other-love schedule is so I can see what leftovers I can toss your way." and even when was living with me half-time, he couldn't commit to a set schedule. He never presented it to me as leftovers, that was all my interpretation and feelings.
He feels like if he is not my highest priority and I want to offer the best of me to my potential new partner (if I ever get one), that he gets are leftovers. And he would be right.
Damn, I'm feeling more monogamish every day.
And wishing I were more poly to just shrug it off and not want more of him and not want to be able to share more of me with him. I offered all that I am and all that I have, and was found lacking.
I tried to go online, putting up a profile on a dating site. But I feel such a fraud when I love and want to be with him. And yet I feel that the only way for us to move on is for one or both of us to make emotional connections with others.