I have no idea if the ex was trying to break up the marriage or not. I am not there.
But it sounds like it could be taken that way.
To me? It doesn't matter going forward if this specific woman was or wasn't. She's an ex now.
If the new focus is both of you creating a tool together to help you and your DH identify objectionable behavior in new potentials/new partners, you may as well put ALL your things on there. Then he (or you) can just go down the list: Does my new person do this? That? Yes? No?
Hopefully in time the tool is no longer needed -- the skills will have grown.
If some future potential (tries to break up marriage) because they are (cowgirl/cowboy, spiteful, nutjob, whatever)? The motivation behind it doesn't matter. Because on the receiving end
of the behavior? At least one
of you guys would object, right? Bring out the discernment tool! Use it to help you both discern together and come to agreement together that -- yes... that person is doing THESE behaviors. Those are objectionable behaviors. So is it a yellow zone or red zone?
It isn't about evaluations of people's personalities or preferences
-- your DH being called "overgenerous" or you being called "controlling" any more. Using the tool is keeping it on evaluation of the behavior
You could worry less about being "right about that woman!" and more about being in "right relationship" with your husband. He's here, she's not.
I know it could take some time for you to give yourself permission to get past this ex's behaviors. (Note I don't say over
But you could remind yourself she IS an ex. Yes, some of her behaviors were awful. But the more time between you and her behaviors, the better you will feel. Try to hang in there as the time passes and try to let go of spending too much time trying to answer "Why?" stuff. Why's the blind person not able to see? Because they are blind. Why did the exGF do wacky behavior then? Because she was wacky then. And she is ex NOW.
You seem to want OFF her merry-go-round... so don't climb back on by spending too much of your thinking behavior on her. Think all you need to think, finish thinking, then put it down and lay it aside so you can move past it.
That's how it feels to me. To me, when you tell a friend that their spouse is abusing them (because I wasn't supportive of him sleeping with her, I suppose), that is a loaded word and implies that you think the friend should leave the marriage. Maybe that word is unusually loaded for me because I used to counsel battered women. I am not sure.
That bit? Before you run down the road with it, you could pause to check for the outcome.
If she's calling you "abusive" and you are actually doing abusive behaviors -- fair enough.
- She could call appropriate offices to report it rather than tell friends.
- She could offer DH shelter, help.
She doesn't though, does she?
If she's calling you "abusive" to play the "changing spotlight" game?
What's the result?
- Make it be about examining YOUR behaviors?
- Get you and DH riled/up distracted in dealing with YOUR emotions?
- Nobody is examining HER behaviors too closely now. People busy elsewhere. Teflon kid slides again.
Since DH dumped her? I'm going to go with Teflon kid games. Avoidy dance. Not being responsive and not helping to have constructive conversation to sort whatever out.
You could improve your interpersonal skills to spot that game and put the brakes on your emotions and keep the focus on behavior done/not done.
So could DH. Maybe "spotlight game" is something to put on your list? Because anyone blocking clear, honest, constructive communication is not HELPING anything.
Hang in there! Talk to your spouse and sort yourselves out.