FWB "for now"
Tonight I read a post reply to a blog of someone feeling her mono-ness:
"Yeah, it is getting quite silly now. You obviously do not want to do this and your reluctance is starting to have a negative impact on other people. He should be making a decision now about whether being poly is more important to him than your individual relationship and ending the relationships that won't result in the people in them being happy."
~~except I turned it around and inward and I read it
"Yeah, it is getting quite silly now. You obviously do not want to do this and your reluctance is starting to have a negative impact on other people. You should be making a decision now about whether being mono is more important to you than your individual relationship and ending the relationships that won't result in the people in them being happy."
Is being mutually mono more important to me than our relationship? No.
Would our relationship result in the people in it (us) being happy?
Any more I don't know how to answer. Superficially yes. Deeper would depend.
While he didn't have an affair (yes, poly folk can cheat or break agreements and understandings too), I hurt as much as if he had, and I fear that if he never grasps my hurting and can express remorse, that I will be unable to forgive, and would continue hold myself back in protective mode and be sensitive to being hurt in the same manner over and over again.
I ask myself if it really is more ethical to try to walk away and us both have broken hearts, or to try to live a lie that I don't hurt and am on edge constantly.
I once left a poly partner when he pushed for me to leave my abusive spouse. I would not ask P to leave his wife - only they can decide if that would ever be right for them.
So, we continue as FWB "for now" so we may both temporarily avoid the pain of truly breaking up, prolonging our misery of wanting each other and not really having it, and I have asked him in our relationship agreement to acknowledge that at this time I believe if he ever finds himself single and willing to try living mono with me, that my heart would be be open to trying if we get counseling to for me get over the pain and feelings of betrayal regarding his representation of our partnership/relationship to others and his subsequent reaction to my request to clarify with the others.