I blew up, that he had immediately picked up phone to call her (he doesn't even do that for me), and I felt like he had done so to do some fast talking and keep her from getting mad at her.
I told him I wanted to break up, over feeling betrayed, and let her know he was no longer my partner and free to pursue.
Again he reassured me enough for me to reconsider,
I told him my offer for her to stay at my home when she visited was still valid. He informed me that no, she didn't feel comfortable coming regardless whether we had broken up (or not).
When things were calming down P casually mentioned C still coming.
Wait, I though C wasn't. - Yes, she was, she only declined my offer to stay with me. I felt further betrayed, that he had misled me about the visit being off.
We went back and forth and I called him a liar for telling me he wanted only me & the wife, messaging someone that appeared to have betrayed what he told me about platonic, and then this. I packed up his things and returned them to him, effectively kicking him out of the home he lived in almost half-time rent-free for almost two years.
Crying to each other for a while, he admitted that yes, C had been disappointed when she discovered he was only a potential friend, after what I saw as messaging and calling so intimately and planning to fly cross country to meet him. (Yet she still planned the trip after I broke up)
I agreed to see a counselor with him only so he could understand how he had crushed me by lying to me, how deceitful I saw it to lead one or the other of us women along. Except I loved him and ended up with us agreeing we would try to continue as friends. The counselor tasked us with creating a list of relationship expectations. (which I had already begged for for over a year without fruition).
Before our second counseling session we discovered that the profile I was so upset over was, in fact, not "C's" and "C" did indeed have friends listed alongside long & short term dating on her OKC profile. Our relief over discovering the error was huge, and that part of our fiasco mutually forgiven.
But the respite was short lived. Even with "friends" listed, I still would have wanted clarification.
As we have come closer to Thanksgiving, it has gotten worse. Like this is a focal point of all my hurts. A huge reminder of how he refused to I still feel betrayed when he so vehemently dismissed my insecurity and refused to offer an alternative to soothing my nerves.
Even when C messaged last week and told him she couldn't afford the trip. He thought it would make me feel better that she wasn't coming. It actually made me sad, he had been looking so forward to her visit and I wanted for him to have some happy moments, even if not with me.
We argued some more. He just can't understand how I could feel dismissed or betrayed. I asked what would have happened if I hadn't insisted he be totally clear.. if C had arrived with romance and sex on her mind and we were still together with him telling me it was only platonic.. would she have been devastated, felt misled or betrayed herself, would he have gone with the flow and broken our fluid bonding - and if he had would he even admit it to me?
I just want to be Mono, or at least to live mono, with a mono partner.
But all this aside, I love him more than anything in this world except my son. We emotionally supported one another, physically matched to a niche, encouraged, yadda yadda yadda. And he says he loves me.
We are both clingy and emotionally needy.
I don't want to think about life without P. I don't want to date anyone else. I don't want to lose him as my best friend. But until he can tell me he understands just why or how I or others might see his actions as a betrayal to at least the spirit of what he was telling me, I ache.
He says it wasn't an affair. No it wasn't, but it still hurts me as deeply as if it had been.
I would have handled it it if he had said he no longer wanted to honor being monogamish with me and his wife, it may have changed things or it may have ended it - I don't know. But this feeling of betrayal and deception, regardless if it was intentional, was worse for my heart than when my ex-husband put a gun to my head, loaded it, and took off the safety.
If some day, he can understand how & why I hurt so much over this, then I can start to heal.
We are just human. And we all make mistakes. Lord knows I added enough of them and perhaps P can forgive me for them some day. There are no victims in this, we both had our eyes open.
I still believe in poly. I just don't believe it is for me any more.
Maybe some day special someone(s) may convince me otherwise, but if it does happen, everyone will ideally have strong, healthy relationships before adding more loves to the mix, and be totally open and honest with themselves and with the others - or at least willing to disclose when agreements change.
So, for now, I dream of getting over the man I want to grow old with by my side, and perhaps one day being open to finding a partner who can live up to the emotional and intellectual intimacy I had with P. No one will ever match the level of "soul mate" as I believe he did.
Thanks for letting me pour my heart out.