Shift from Poly to Mono (Long)
Journaling just to get it out. Not seeking feeback, but if you must, feel free to bash away on me.
I was poly when I met my partner, then grew monogamish, now just want mono.
I never knew one partner could fulfill all my needs - emotional, physical, etc..
Have determined that, for me, poly was a way to cope with an emotionally abusive and physically distant spouse. Poly was a safe way to continue with my head in the sand and not face making the hard choices of leaving someone I loved and cared for regardless of how dysfunctional the relationship was.
Changing the "rules" from poly to wanting mono seems as devastating to me as the stories I hear of mono folk coming out as poly. Not fair to my former partner, and we are trying to navigate our future as friends.
We both still love each other, but I'm hurting every day. For the moment we have agreed on that we are not "dating", but are best friends and will remain fluid bonded until one or the other of us is no longer. FWB "for now"
I WANT to feel poly again. I would give my left tit to feel poly again (and I really like my boobies!)
Here's our story to date (Skipping some details just for brevity, though it will likely be a tome anyway):
Childhood friend "P" and I connected as my marriage had ended. Discovered we were both poly and began a relationship. I was living part-time apart from my spouse, but was not filed for divorced yet.Within months I had finally feared my spouse enough to move out full time and then file. "P" was now my only partner.
I had a hard time coming to grips with feeling responsible for the health of "P's" his marriage. That took a couple years. I had never had a married partner before, generally my own spouse (who dated others platonically) and a monogamous OSO. I still feel twinges, but not so much guilt, having come to terms that their relationship will thrive or fail on its own merits, but still wishing I felt his marriage were a solid and fulfilling relationship for him in its own rights.
For first time in my life I felt what the arm of Vee does. I DID NOT like it, and my desire to have a secondary or OSO of my own vanished. As much as I tried to want to date others, my personal ethics and desires had changed. I could no longer put someone in the position of "less than" again, even if they agreed to it upfront. I would NOT treat anyone as I did not like being treated.
Partner "P" kept telling me he was satisfied with just me and his wife, only wanted me physically.
Then one of his friends "F" asked what she had to do to sleep with him. I was upset that either he had not been clear to her that he was not available or he had changed his mind about not seeking others and failed to inform me. Got over that & now "F" and I are online buddies.
Fast forward a year, and partner "P" finds a new out of state friend "C" on OKC. I was thrilled for him to have someone new to connect with, to giggle with. But quickly it appeared he was falling in love. I was NOT jealous, and was handling knowing it was emotionally good for him even when it detracted from our activities together (Damn I hate texting interrupting activities rudely.) Then suddenly he announces that she is flying cross country to visit and they will be spending Thanksgiving weekend together.
My Mono bells went off and that night I cried and told him I was feeling insecure, and was clear that I felt I needed to know
~ What were his intentions for the visit?
~ Had he changed his mind out wanting only me and his wife as partners?
~ If he had not, had he been clear to "C" that he was only interested in her as a platonic friend as he had assured me he was.
~ I wondered aloud if he was hedging his bets, grooming her to move in quickly/further in his heart if we broke up.
~ I was concerned that she might arrive with romantic/sexual intentions only to be disappointed and feel led on if he was true to his word to me of platonic buddies.
Then I asked him if in fact I was over-reacting, could he reassure me by messaging her and being clear what his intentions were, and letting me see her response, so I could know in concrete terms that both were clear on intentions.
Partner "P" held me and wiped my tears and told me he was sorry for my reaction and that he would.
Except he didn't. And a week went by. When I asked, he said it was never far from his mind, but he wanted to do it over the phone rather than text. I again asked for it to be in writing, so I could really know and feel it.
To try to ease my insecurity, I thought if I at least knew "C" was seeking friends on OKS, that I could breathe a bit easier. The OKC profile I saw was from a gal in "C's" area with same education and photos very, very similar to C's pics on facebook -down to glasses and pierced nose - that declared to "only message me if you are ultimately looking for a relationship" . I asked "P" is "C's" screename was "XYZ."
"P" blew up at me asking me what I was doing looking at her profile, and that he felt like I was checking up on him. I was devastated. Asked him why he would message someone who was not even seeking friends and to only message for a relationship.
He said he liked her profile. I felt like my fears of being deceived were true.
With his repeated assertions is was only platonic, I calmed down and asked him again to message her to clarify his intentions.
And another week went by, and he didn't. And I'm getting more insecure, thinking if it were just platonic intentions, why was it so hard just to tell her something along the lines of "A partner is feeling insecure, and she wanted me to remind you that I'm not seeking more than friends."
Again, not jealous, just feeling hurt and betrayed, feeling even more like "P" was either lying to me or to "C" about his intentions.
We argued, and he asked wasn't it enough he had verbally told C that we were "exploring our relationship." This time I composed a note for him and requested if he could to send to her by message and let me see the reply:
"I am thrilled Tom has found such a wonderful and supportive friend in you. But I am concerned me may have unintentionally misrepresented his motives to you, and I would hate for you to be disappointed.
On OKC you say to "message you if" one is seeking a relationship. I understand P has told you that he and I are "exploring our relationship" when he has told me that he is not seeking any further relationships beyond platonic. For my own comfort level, I have requested that he clarify with you that he is not seeking a physical relationship, and giving you full disclosure in the event you have misinterpreted his intentions.
P is a wonderful, loving man and a shameless flirt, which I adore. Yet he has difficulty saying things bluntly when he fears rejection. And I would hate for either of you to be hurt if his representation of his intentions were misinterpreted."
He told me to send it, but I said I wanted her to know in no uncertain terms that he was aware. And he agreed.
Except the next week when he showed me the message and her reply, she replied something like "Wait, what?" and big gap followed by his replying "Goodnight my sweet C"
To be Continued..