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Old 11-27-2013, 07:10 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

I quite like having a journal with a partner - I've been insanely busy with life, but now I can just jump back in! Or, at least, that's what I'm gonna do, anyway.

I need to write about my situation with Alec. We had a Relationship Talk a couple of weeks ago. Basically, we were talking about whether we should break up or not. During The Talk we identified some issues and are currently in the process of dealing with those.

Basically, we both have needs that aren't met in this relationship. The same has, to some extent, been true for a long time, but it's possibly been getting worse and/or it's had more of an impact.

Some of it is basic incompatibilities between us. Some of it is patterns formed during our relationship, dynamics that have led to not-so-good places.

In practice, lately I've been feeling like "we have nothing to talk about" and Alec has been feeling like he misses me all the time, like he's alone in our relationship. Both of those are partially valid and partially not.

It's complicated.

Pre-Talk, I felt like the first issue is something I have no ability to change. How do you change it when you just simply don't have anything to say to each other? Of course that's an exaggeration - that was not how I felt all the time, but still, it was how I felt some of the time. But there was some perspective Alec was able to give and I've been doing a lot of thinking afterwards.

What I've never realised is how easily I've with him moved, one by one, topics under a mental category of "things I don't talk about with Alec". Not something conscious! Just, in a longer time, when I've felt like he's not interested in something I'm talking to him about (or something else to the effect) I've then stopped talking to him about it.

Now, some comes from actual differences between us, that are incompatibilities there's probably not much we can do about. But some is also stuff that he would be interested in if only I did talk to him, but I don't because I believe he isn't interested.

So, post-Talk, I've been trying to relearn to talk to him, and that's actually been really really great.

The other issue is his feeling of loneliness in our relationship. Some of it I take full responsibility for: I can readily admit that I haven't been fully present for him a lot of the time we have spent together. This has also gone the other way around (which then has led me to believe that he isn't interested in many of the things I've started to talk about with him, because he's been focusing on something else). So, I'd say this has already been getting somewhat better now that we've been talking and putting an effort into spending time together in a way that we're both present.

But then there's again compatibility issues here, too. Part of his feeling alone in our relationship comes from the fact that he's concretely alone a lot of the time. Dream City... Yeah, for me it's Dream City. For him it's just a place he's living. I've been making friends and been integrating into queer/poly communities around here, and I have Mya here, and I'm now dating Lily. With all this, I have a full life that doesn't include him. Our interests are different, our tastes in friends are different. We do still see each other, but it's not every day, maybe every other or so. Of course he could find friends here, and that's his aim. But he doesn't see poly happening for him (while he's happy for me to be), and also we've been open for about 5 years and he hasn't done much anything. With this, there's no getting around the fact that he might be happier with a mono partner.

I'll likely need to write a lot more about this, but it's complicated and there's too much for one time so I expect to continue another time.
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