I could be wrong, ok? But here's my thoughts on it....
woman is now out of the picture. Shoo. Fine. Let that part go. Zero in on how to be before his NEXT partner arrives someday.
ISSUE NOW IS:
Your husband has a higher tolerance for X behaviors in his other partners than you do. Although he ultimately will do a "softer" and "slower" let go once he realizes this partner is not for him or worth his time, you prefer he do it "sooner" and "harder" so you can be free of worry/stress or at least REDUCE your stress.
You prefer he be able to recognize (objectionable behavior) sooner
as troublesome to the marriage, because while he's free to pick his partners, you are along for the ride here. You don't pick his partners but are affected by their behavior.
COULD DO NEXT: ARTICULATE OBJECTIONABLE BEHAVIORS
- You are bothered his judgement of people's characters not being as quick on the uptake as you.
- You would like him to improve on that skill so you can feel emotionally safe and be stress free/lower stress.
I have asked him, just what does a person have to do for you to question their ethics and recognize that they are trying to cause trouble, short of a confession that they are trying to do just that? He doesn't know.
Then he could take the time to discern so he can know and be able to articulate.
To me it sounds like you and spouse could make list of objectionable behavior you both agree is "objectionable" then. Take the time to articulate it. It could work for him and for you in dating new people.
Next agree on a number for your hard limit red zone. That many? They are just gone.
Figure out your soft limit "yellow caution" zone number. Potential partner clocks (X) checkmarks -- the one dating that person either works on the skills with them or lets that partner go. Hopefully they improve the skills and things pans out rather than chronic problems.
Pick a number that is "fast enough" to you, but "slow enough" to him that you both can live with for each zone.
You/He could show the potential the list of objectionable behavior before getting involved with him. They agree to play ball, great. They don't? Time and energy saved all around. Win for all.
Examples of objectionable behavior Partner X could do (here I guess from your post):
- not forthcoming about sexual safety practices and partners?
- no recent labs shown?
- temper tantrums rather than (preferred conflict resolution method)?
- bad mouthing spouse's personality or preferences rather than feedback on behavior done/not done?
- "fishing" for data?
- trying to break you up?
- Other stuff?
Is there a word for someone who wants to cling to a positive opinion of someone no matter what they say and do? Even if the person attacks someone you care about?
"Generous to a fault" is the idiom I think you could be after.
Being generous is great, but taking it to the extreme where it hurts self or others -- no so much.
I am trying to let go of all this, but I just can't. I feel I need him to recognize what he was dealing with (with her specifically? Or in general?), and he just refuses. This makes me feel very unsafe. you seem to
Perhaps he'd be more willing to work with you if you let specific lady go. So he can feel better with his memories of her how he likes them. She's GONE, so you can afford to drop that part of it.
And instead focus on listing "what objectionable behaviors are" in general
for the next partner(s) to come along so you can minimize these hoohas that you don't like in future since you've had this merry-go-round ride before and don't like it? Working together to move it forward?
Then you both get something to feel good about in the short term (he gets to keep his memories, you get a list defined) AND in the long term ( less hoohas for both)?
My 2 cents,