Never Never Land
Well, I titled it that because I never thought I would be where I am today. I knew nothing about polyamory until recently and as a result I grew up thinking the mono way was the only way and dedicated my life to a single woman. Twice. Yep, Iím twice divorced, so I have successfully completed two marriages. At least thatís how I like to look at them as they we're both learning experiences and I was blessed with 3 children between both of the ladies.
I learned a great deal from both marriages and while I was content to be monogamous, I was never fully happy. After I separated from my second wife I reluctantly eased back into the dating scene. Very quickly I realized I needed to make a list. Yep, so that I could check off little boxes and find the perfect woman who would meet all of my ridiculous expectations and desires. I learned equally as quickly that finding someone that meets all those requirements was going to be unlikely at best.
I began seeing a woman, weíll call her Awesome, at first very casually. One night I told her half jokingly that I didnít think I was ever going to meet a singular right woman for me and that I thought I would need to date multiple women to be able to get all the boxes on my list checked. She laughed and said that was silly, that I was not that kind of man as I had always been dedicated to my woman.
Flash forward a few weeks and I was out having fun with a friend, we'll call her Bunny, and the evening suddenly went in a very different direction than I had expected when she asked me if I wanted to stay at her place for the night. I agreed and began a second casual relationship.
At first I did not tell either of them about the other because I figured both relationships were purely casual. A few weeks into dating both of them Awesome became very suspicious and began asking questions about the time I was spending away from her. I reluctantly shared with her that I had been involved with Bunny. From that conversation it became clear to me that Awesome was going to want to know every detail about every other relationship I got involved in from there on out. This all being new to me, I felt instinctively averse to sharing what I considered private information about my private time with other women with her and told her that and continued to be elusive about where I was when I was not with her so as to mask the time I was spending elsewhere with others.
Yes, I said others. There was a short period there where I also dated my 2nd wife again. Shortly after things with my ex dropped off though, a few months after I had began dating Bunny, she found someone else she was interested in dating monogamously and we went back to merely being friends. So, for a brief stint it was down to me and Awesome.
One night, while out celebrating with some friends and family at a bar I connected with a woman and had what I think now she thought was going to be a one night stand. I, on the other hand, had other ideas. I found her fascinating. I had never dated a woman like her before and while she met many of my check boxes, she also, was not the perfect match for me. Nevertheless I convinced her to date me for a couple months, never disclosing that I was still seeing Awesome as well, however, Awesome knew about her for the same reasons she knew about Bunny. In the end I made it clear to her I was not interested in settling down and being monogamous and she decided that was not going to work for her. So we parted as friends.
I know what youíre thinking by this pointÖ this is not a poly story, this is just a story about a dude sleeping around. Well Iím getting thereÖ remember, I didnít have any knowledge that polyamory was even a real thing, let alone an option at this point. Although, the cocoon was splitting and I was beginning to see some light.
So, another couple months pass and I connect with an old friend. Or rather an old friends sister. A beautiful woman that had apparently fantasized about what it would be like to be with me as we we're growing up. I couldnít help but give in to such seductions, of course. However, things we're a little different at this point. I had around this time become aware of what polyamory was and had begun learning about it. I had discussed it openly with Awesome and while she wasnít really in favor of it, she said she would be understanding of my desire to have multiple women in my life, so long as I was open and honest about it. She, on the other hand had tried dating a bit earlier in our, still very casual, relationship and decided it wasnít for her. Nevertheless I had agreed, albeit reluctantly so, to be open and honest about it. So I shared with my old friend this information, by this time we had been seeing each other for a month or so, and she took it surprisingly well. She really wasnít caught off guard too badly because I had been clear with her that what we had was casual and had shared much of my poly perspective with her without being so formal as to call it that.
At first, she was actually fine with it. So, I figured we could try something new and I invited both of them to join me on a date. The three of us together. It didnít go as well as I had hopedÖ no threesome at the end, but aside from a little awkward tension between the two the date went ok. As a few more weeks passed she began discussing the situation with her friends who began pressuring her to stop seeing me and that if I didnít care enough about her to be monogamous with her than I wasnít good enough for her and so on and so forth. A few more weeks of the friend wedge being driven in between us and she decided it was time to call things off. I told her I understood and that I cared about her and I wish she would not let her judgmental friends ruin the wonderful thing we had. A few days later she unfriended me on facebook. So, I texted her to say hi and see how things were going. I got no response. A couple days after that and I texted her again asking her if everything was okay and why had she not responded to my last text. She said she had no reason to make niceties with me any longer. I protested that I understood her perspective, but that didnít mean we couldnít still be friends and just do friend things from time to time. She said she had enough friends and that she really didnít see the point in continuing our friendship.
Another brief stint of just me and Awesome. Approximately 9 months from the time Bunny and I had dissolved our casual relationship she split with her boyfriend. A few more weeks passed and I made it clear to her that I still cared for her and was interested in being involved with her and she was back on board. This time, I had knowledge though, and an agreement with Awesome to open and honest about things. So, one night I tried to tell Bunny about Awesome and our relationship. Mind you, that at this point, Awesome and Bunny are facebook friends and know of each other as friends of mine at the very least. Awesome is not shy about posting things on facebook that indicate the nature of our involvement. Bunny adeptly steers the conversation away from the subject. A few days later I try againÖ same thing. I talk with her almost daily, however I only get to see her once every week (if Iím super lucky) or two (usually). So a few weeks go by and we are together again in person, and I try to bring it up again. Immediately, she takes the conversation elsewhere. I sort of give up for awhile.
Iíd like to take a quick side trip here and reflect on something that occurred during the time Bunny was with her boyfriend in between our time together. I experienced a strange emotion that I had never experienced before. At times I thought it was jealousy. Unlike jealousy it never turned into anxiousness, frustration or anger. Strangely to my surprise, it turned to contentment and even happiness when she would occasionally tell me about how he made her happy. Strangely to me, even toward the end of their relationship when she was sharing with me things that made her unhappy, I still did not feel the anger or even frustration that I thought should go along with it I only experienced sadness. I just wanted to help her; to see her be happy again.
A couple months later Awesome and Bunny as well as many of my other friends are all at my birthday party together. Throughout the couple of months prior to my birthday party Awesome, Bunny and I even go out together a few timesÖ even with friends that sort of know whatís going on. Back to the party where conveniently whenever anyone speaks about my relationship with Awesome, who produced the whole party for me, including inviting Bunny to the festivities, Bunny manages to be out of the room.
At the party I step aside with another friend of mine who is knowledgeable about poly life to some degree and we talk for a bit. The result of the conversation is that I decide I have to tell Bunny how I feel about everything and put it all blatantly in the open. So, I take Bunny aside and I start the conversation by saying, thereís something we need to get out in the open, and I know you know, and keep changing the subject every time I try to bring it up, so Iím not going to let you this time. Without agreeing that she knew full well, all along she basically acknowledged it and that she was fine with it.
That night a friend gave the three of us a ride to my home (because none of us we're sober enough to drive) and on the ride home I held both of their hands kind of awkwardly from the front seat as they sat next to each other in the back seat. It was quite possibly the happiest birthday Iíve ever had. Although, when we got to my house, there was a bit of awkwardness as Awesome was not about to share the bed with both of us. Bunny, being observant and sneaky nonchalantly slips away from the awkward sort of conversation we're having about it and passes out in the living room removing the tension.