Originally Posted by FarAwayLover
1) Is B right - that if I'm not juggling things like physical time together and sex, is it even worth calling poly?
2) Should I just forget the whole thing? B suggested that I write the e-mails that I would send to JP, just not send them for now. Most of them have been either catching up on 38 years or what has been going on that day. Think of them as kind of a journal, and maybe one of these days or months or years A will calm down and we'll be in communication again.
3) all the definitions of poly talk about everyone being out in the open with it. I feel like we didn't start that way because we had no idea where it was heading. We were a couple of old friends catching up. There's the piece of me that's kicking myself for having even brought up the reading material and/or giving JP the idea that he needed to talk to his wife, and there's the other part of me that insists that it was the right things to do, and that it would have just hurt more if it had blown up even later.
wow, what a story. Welcome to the forum, and maybe folks here can help you out...
Answering your questions in some fashion:
1) Sure, it's poly. This is about the ability to love more than one person at a time, and no proximity is needed for that. If it's an emotional, deep, loving space, call it poly and be proud of it, why not?
2) I wouldn't forget about it, because you seem to be in a phase where every 5 days is a new situation. A obviously took it horribly, and that needs to be repaired. B seems cool with it and highly supportive of you being emotionally strong and safe. And JP is wigged out, understandably, because he's reconnected with you (felt awesome) while being suddenly distanced from A (felt horrible). So sit and wait. Write or don't, but definitely be there as support and as a presence. Point JP back home, since that's where everyone seems to want him to be, and also be present.
3) There is no right time to come out, about these things. JP does deserve some blame for not quickly saying "Hey, I've found Person-From-My-Past-X, let me tell you about her!" and having A respond to it honestly and deeply and in the moment. Waiting did make it worse. To her, it was an affair. That's her baggage to claim, open up, and air out, but it's his place in a marriage to be considerate and respectful and compassionate. He wasn't but he got around to it soon enough. I think your reading about poly helped him, because it got you to insist on an honesty that is important.
Good luck, and keep us up to date. I hope it all works out.