What does it take for him to see a problem?
One thing that my hubby and I (married 14 years, three kids) have repeatedly butted heads over (that is an understatement) have been the motivations and ethics of a couple of his partners. This is something I have gotten hypersensitive about because I am just so sick of the same damned issue. Which is, he simply does not want to recognize it if someone else wants to cause trouble in our relationship.
The latest situation involves a woman he dated briefly, whom he ended up as just friends with because he (and I) didn't trust her to be forthcoming about her sexual safety practices and partners. She threw a fit when he told her that a sexual relationship between them wasn't ever going to happen and refused to talk to him for months, They eventually reconnected as penpals and it looked like they were going to be able to restart their in-person friendship too, she was dating a lot and seemed to be finally OK with them just being friends. Then she threw another fit in email where she accused me of being abusive and controlling of him, because I hadn't been OK with him sleeping with her either when we found out that she had failed to disclose things to hubby that he needed to know for his own safety (and mine, and our other partners). She also revealed that she had been talking to former partners of both of ours, people she barely knew, digging for dirt about our relationship, and even claimed that a former lover of mine, who was still my friend, had trashed my character to her, which I did not believe for a second, and still don't. It was really, really ugly.
I wanted my hubby to end the connection immediately, which he was unwilling to do, and continued emailing with her for a while, telling her she was way off base about me and us, etc., but he never really got through to her and she just continued with her drama until he stopped writing.
What bothers me now is that he cannot seem to to see that his "friend" had any negative motivations towards me and our relationship. I know this might sound insane to some. It does to me. I have asked him, just what does a person have to do for you to question their ethics and recognize that they are trying to cause trouble, short of a confession that they are trying to do just that? He doesn't know.
Is there a word for someone who wants to cling to a positive opinion of someone no matter what they say and do? Even if the person attacks someone you care about? This has happened before, this is not the first problematic person he has dated, in fact, we had an even worse situation in the past.
I would utterly reject a partner or a friend who pulled what this woman pulled and I would have done so right away too. He may no longer talk to her, but he doesn't have a problem at all with her ethics, he thinks she just got upset but basically meant well.
I am trying to let go of all this, but I just can't. I feel I need him to recognize what he was dealing with, and he just refuses. This makes me feel very unsafe.