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Old 11-26-2013, 07:08 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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There is no future with him. This was his second chance and he blew it by doing the exact same thing he did the first time.
He blew it because he AGREED to break up with her? Wasn't him breaking up with her the desired outcome? Or were you also wanting to be in charge of the METHOD of how he broke up with her?

I think you could have allowed your anger to get the best of you and forgot that this was YOUR second chance with him too.

You seemed mad he wanted to do a break up in a decent way.
  • Maybe you didn't trust him to actually do it.
  • Maybe you felt jealous that NOW he was ready to consider other people's feelings. And you envy she is going to get/got better treatment at her breakup time than you got when they started the cheating time.
  • Maybe you are mad he was (considering her feelings when breaking up with her) and you overfocussed on the "consider her feelings" part of it and not the "BREAKING UP WITH HER" part of it.
  • Maybe he wasn't considering your feelings enough for you or in the way you wanted. Not then, and not now.

Could you step back to see maybe he had to go through this whole experience to learn to consider other people? And part of the price of admission for you to arrive at "Yay! They are broken up! Now on to repair our marriage!" place is tolerating a bit more? So he can end that thing decently and so become more willing to work with you?

Anyway... You did NOT let him handle his break up with her how he wanted to do it. Instead, you blew up at him.

This behavior of yours helps you and his SHARED second chance at (the you + him relationship repair time) start off well HOW? It isn't just his second chance. It's yours too.

His behavior toward her -- trying to be decent to others -- how would that new behavior or new skill set have benefited (you + him) moving forward? You don't want him to treat people other than himself decently?

If you knew you did NOT want to be with him why not just break up with him to start with? Rather than going with second chances for (you + him repair time) that you really aren't invested in?

I am baffled. I think you could be under great emotion still and it could have clouded your judgement a bit.

I'm still not sure if you want to be together as a married couple or not... but you could approach it with a cooler head.
  • Could make up your mind that you want to be all OUT of the marriage. So in your behavior you choose to help it disband clean and quick to get you to healing faster.
  • Or you make up your mind that you want to be IN for healing it. So in your behavior you choose to be in there helping him to do the work of repair to get you to the healing place faster.

But become firm of purpose and stick with what you decide. Then align your behavior with it. Because you have to co-parent no matter what happens to the state of the marriage.

Creating NEW hooha with your behavior on the marriage layer just ADDS to the burden on the co-parenting layer for you. It does not TAKE AWAY from your overall burdens. You keep yourself in the hurting place with that behavior.

I know this is hard, and not fun. I am very sorry you are going through this. But try to MINIMIZE the suckage for yourself -- not maximize.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-26-2013 at 05:12 PM.
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