I isolated what I think is one of the most important facts about my relationship with E. Thinking back to my relationship with L- he told me that he loved me, but he never made me feel loved. Maybe he did in his own way, but he didn't give me the things I need to truly enjoy the feeling. The words were nice and gave me a thrill... but the actions meant more.
E doesn't say the words. It's likely that he doesn't have those particular feelings. But he does the actions that make me feel loved. Regardless of whether he loves me, or even if we have the same definition of the word "love", he genuinely cares about me and wants me to be as happy as he can make me. And that's a hell of a lot better than an empty ILY. Am I still greedy and want both? Absolutely
But I'm also going to enjoy the hell out of what I've got.
I had a wonderful weekend with E. H did choose to leave and spend the weekend with his friends instead of attending my party, but we also had a heart to heart afterwards where he told me that he thinks he just needs more time to process things, and maybe next time we have a games weekend (every three or four months) that he might be okay with E being there. He's just feeling tapped out emotionally because of work so he didn't have the energy to try. I really appreciate that he's willing to keep trying because he loves me.
E baked me my favourite cake for my birthday. He really put a lot of time and effort into it, and it was really sweet of him. He told me that his goal for the weekend was to make sure I had as good a time as possible. He succeeded