To be honest though, it's going to take a long time.
Yeah! The marriage I referred to is 20+ years in the making. L and D have had their bad times, and from what I understand it was not at all easy.
Actually, L is working through some resentment about one of D's girlfriends now. From my perspective L is justified in her feelings -- the other woman is not accepting the realities of L being the permanent, forever wife in D's world. That's not constructive. But D is a man with an exceptionally generous and wise spirit. L is following his example and growing to become generous enough to let the pettiness of the other woman slide past and disappear without disturbing her balance.
Point being, it's not easy. (Sometimes it's not easy for me being the outside guy, either!)
Your wife was not honest with you, and tried to continue her dishonesty. I agree that there is a lot of reconciliation that needs to happen. She has to go all the way in making amends to you. I suppose that means facing some things inside herself that will be pretty tough to look at.
I think one's interior dishonesty is much harder to face than merely apologizing to someone else for lying. So she's got a lot of difficult work to do. You're right. She needs to step up and heal the relationship from her side.
But again, a counselor is going to know more in 15 minutes than we on the forum can get in several days. It sounds like your personal therapist is good; I hope your marriage counselor is also on the ball.
I admire your awareness and intelligence. I think you're doing what needs to be done and you're doing it wisely.