Originally Posted by GalaGirl
More patient maybe. More thinking it all the way out and less going on impulse thoughts -- definitely seems to be in order here.
A domme only exists at the consent of the sub.
If you have entered into D/s agreements with him
- without thinking things out all the way for yourself
- without listing what your dealbreakers are
- without coming to agreement on how to call the domme into account when needed without it messing up your scene (if you scene) or your arrangements (if this is a 24/7 deal)
...then you seem to have given power over you willy nilly to someone without
you looking out for your own best interests. You could expect more from you. There could be other things you neglected to cover also.
We did go over dealbreakers, his and mine, and I have thought through things, I know what I want (though it is not exactly what he wants, we considered it similar enough to move forwards and see how it went); we did not previously discuss how to call him into account specifically, though in a recent conversation since all this, he clarified that if I had any issues with him I was to bring them to his attention (respectfully, calmly, without throwing a temper tantrum) so they could be dealt with.
A part of my issue comes from me - the more I try to plan out things and make relationships work the way I want them to, the less likely it is that they actually work that way. So I've been trying the 'let's see what happens' thing. What I haven't found is a balance between being clear about boundaries and desires etc/and not over planning/trying to put the relationship in a box. Part of the issue comes from him. I've mentioned elsewhere - he's very very new at D/s. He came at it from a kinky/switch/play direction, and because I've never had a relationship with a man that wasn't D/s in some manner (and usually more of a 24/7 deal), I sort of fell into acting subbie with him, and he has a bit more dominant tendencies than he thinks (when it works it is GREAT, but, times like this, not so much).
Now, however, last time we talked, he decided he doesn't want to do this (D/s) anymore. So I guess it's a moot point.
Which comes back to the original question... why do you agree to things that don't serve you well?
What could you do differently to better look out for your long term well being? (NOT the relationship at your expense.)
Having realized you skipped a crucial bit?
- You could revise your D/s agreements with him to include how to call him into account NOW. Have some boundaries of your own.
The shared agreement is "he will respect your boundaries and you will respect his boundaries."
This is a SHARED agreement, not a just for YOU deal. You know that right? Because a domme only exists at the consent of the sub.
How about "when in doubt, err on the side of caution and safety for my own continued well being?"
Sigh. I mean this kindly ok?
But you could get into bigger trouble here than looking at some pix oneline! You lack self-discpline and seem impulsive and get yourself into things. He seems to lack self-discipline and gets more emotional than this picture hooha seem to merit. All he would need to do is just adjust his own privacy settings online... yet he won't.
I'm wondering if london has an accurate picture of him; that he doesn't actually care about the privacy, more cares that *I* accessed his public information without asking.
The other point is that I do think he and I might benefit from stepping back from the relationship altogether for a little while, and just being friendly, but I am unwilling to risk losing him entirely at this time. I love him; he loves me; but he has this pride thing where if the relationship ends for whatever reason, he will entirely cut off contact, with the sole exception of exes with whom he has children. (So much so that the ex with his youngest child who he broke up with before they knew she was pregnant, took 19 months to track him down.) I am not willing to risk losing him 100% at this time.
It's not that I have low self esteem or something - I have enough other suitors to more than take up the lack, if I needed - it's that I actually really care about him, and don't want to lose him, unless it turns out that NOT being with me is less harmful to him than being with me.
I wonder if he's the "You can't tell me what to do!" type? That makes him a stellar domme HOW?
At best? He's a sloppy domme and mad that he's not as cool at it as he thought.
At worst? You are in the hands of a sloppy domme and you CAN'T know he won't hurt you intentionally or thoughtlessly. He's sloppy, he loses his temper over minor shit and rails at ya at too high a volume.
He's not a stellar dom. But I love him and want to serve him; I want to show him places he can learn to improve. I am not a stellar sub either, so I feel that I can't judge too harshly here; I want to improve for him also.
You really want some of that served up when you are in a vulnerable state and he looses his cool? Ack. He can't handle his temper over pix he could block access to, but you are going to believe he can handle himself in topspace?
Please tread very carefully here. Could not scene or continue any 24/7 arrangement until you get clear on your boundaries and determine if this is a player you can be safe playing with.
He ended the D/s side of the relationship.. is still considering whether to end the entirety of the relationship.
You may WANT to play with him emotionally, but what does your health and well being need to be safe?
I am not sure. I am taking steps backwards as well, because at the least, I know I cannot endure the drama and heartache that was happening for a few days. I am keeping lines of communication open, if he wishes to speak to me, but it's been a few days. We'll see.