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Old 11-24-2013, 08:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,912
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I'm sorry you struggle. Could relax a bit though. Do your own self care FIRST.

Then later? Could take it one thing at a time rather than trying to do all your heavy thinking at once. Because it is a lot, and each one needs other questions answered first. If you need help sorting, maybe you want to see a counselor.

  • Is staying here with them healthy for you?
  • Are you willing to rebuild trust with him so a marriage can continue? If not, what blocks your willing?
  • Are you able to rebuild trust with him so a marriage can continue? If not what blocks your able?
  • Are you willing to rebuild trust with him? So a healthy polyship can happen? If not, what blocks your willing?
  • Are you able to rebuild trust with him so a marriage can continue? So a healthy polyship can happen? If not what blocks your able?
  • Are you willing to rebuild trust with her? So a healthy polyship can happen? If not, what blocks your willing?
  • Are you able to rebuild trust with her so a marriage can continue? So a healthy polyship can happen? If not what blocks your able?
  • Are you willing to rebuild trust with (him and her?) So a healthy polyship can happen? If not, what blocks your willing?
  • Are you able to rebuild trust with (him and her) so a marriage can continue? So a healthy polyship can happen? If not what blocks your able?

  • Has he apologized and asked for forgiveness?
  • Has she apologized and asked for forgiveness?
  • Have (him + her) apologized and asked for forgiveness?
  • Have you forgiven?
  • How many strikes is this episode? First strike? Or 3 strikes you are out? People can have second chances, but people cannot have ENDLESS second chances if they are just sitting around talking blahdeblah and not actually making effort to change.
  • Is his character strong and his Word ultimately trustworthy? Is he willing/able to make actual effort to repair a mistake?
  • Is her character strong and his Word ultimately trustworthy? Is she willing/able to make actual effort to repair a mistake?
  • Is (him + her) together strong in character or do they bring out YUCK in each other? Are they willing/able to make actual effort to repair a mistake?

  • Has he asked for opportunity to make amends to return to right relationship with you?
  • Have you given that and listed what behaviors you want him to execute to make good?
  • Has he actually delivered? Have you actually let it go?
  • Has she asked for opportunity to make amends to return to right relationship with you?
  • Have you given that and listed what behaviors you want her to execute to make good?
  • Has she actually delivered? Have you actually let it go?
  • Have they as a couple asked for opportunity to make amends to return to right relationship with you?
  • Have you given that and listed what behaviors you want them as a couple to execute to make good?
  • Have they actually delivered? Have you actually let it go?

All those answers are needed in order to change the bigger picture from (a cheating thing) to (a poly thing.) And moving through each of those layers to arrive at a clean slate takes THOUGHT and TIME. What layer are you on? I cannot tell.

It's the polymath thing -- a larger polyship is made up of all the mini relationships inside it. And you got dinged in a LOT of mini relationship layers.

Right now you are in transitional space -- an (up in the air thing.) It's ok to feel unsure and weird and unsettled. Don't rush decision making just because it feels weird to be in Hang Time. But don't spend forever in Hang Time either -- avoiding having to decide what needs doing, the time to be doing it, and the time reviewing it to see if it was actually done or not so you can decide the Bigger Picture.

You can't live in Hang Time forever.
  • Figure out what needs to happen, do it, review and if all questions check out? Then you all can begin a polyship now with clean slates.
  • Or decide to try it on, and if you conclude at the end of that time that things fell short? HOW short?
    • Way off? Forgive but don't continue. Amends fell short. Instead let go and terminate in peace.
    • Super close? Extend the time limit and see if it arrives after all but just need a bit more time. It takes time for people to learn new skills and new ways of going.
  • Or if you know you want to terminate NOW, you don't even WANT to be working toward polyship with these people -- don't bother with making amends time! You already know it NOW that you will not forgive, and let it go. Don't postpone it and just drag out. Terminate NOW rather than later if you know in your heart you are just not willing and able and it's a hard limit. No amount of time will change that. Get YOU to the healing place faster.

Either way you pick -- you can be free of (up in the air) UGH.

If you choose to terminate? HOW you terminate could be
  • You ask him to honor a veto request. (He does or doesn't honor it.) You bow out or stay.
  • You don't ask him to honor a veto request. You bow out or stay.

Could stop getting hung up on the veto. I mean, you could certainly ASK since that is part of your agreements.

But in the end? It's still about your willingness and ability to participate in polyship with these people. Nobody can FORCE you. And you are totally within your rights to say "Nope. No thank you. I don't want to be in polyship with you two players because of the cheating start. Trust is too broken for this relationship model."

Then you can move on to thinking this other question out "I want to continue to participate in marriage with my spouse after an affair. Is trust too broken for that relationship model?"

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Maybe that helps? I know this stuff is hard to FEEL, but what the options are here are clear. Take a time out to soothe your own feelings so you can evaluate your list of things with a cool head. Then decide what you have to decide. The rest is coloring in the outline picture with your group details.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-24-2013 at 09:51 PM.
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