Thread: compersion?
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Old 11-24-2013, 05:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,144

I am sorry you struggle.

I want to feel compersion for him, rather than the anger and resentment I currently feel. But I don’t know how to get past my feelings.
I did feel compersion for them at the beginning of the relationship.
Having to end my relationships has caused that to turn to resentment. Why does he get to continue when I’m forced to end?
Feelings ensue after behavior. You feel yucky as a result of previous behavior? (ACTION type behavior or THINKING type behavior?) You could change your behaviors and then wait to see if you feel better.

But that statement is mixing things that don't need to mix. You could organize those thoughts into behavior done/not done for separate issues instead.

ISSUE 1: Hubby wants to date.


He asked you for your goodwill and blessing to start an extramarital relationship.
You gave it, and felt compersion.

(Was it truly compersion? Or was it to make ammends for the first cheating affair somehow? Or was it to make YOU having a new cheating affair "ok" in your mind because "he has someone too?")


You had cheating affairs in the past, and recently.
He's asked you to stop cheating each time he finds out.
You seem to stop cheating... and start up again. He asks you to stop again. You feel yucky. So you... start ANOTHER affair?

How is this YOU helping you to feel something new inside your marriage? When you keep doing the same behavior? Do you have the intrapersonal and interpersonal skills to launch a relationship in non-cheaty ways?

I can see where a new cheating affair relationship causes you to feel something new, but that is distraction -- something new (inside the cheating affair). It is not anything new (inside the marriage.) It's just more old cheating stuff feelings in that bucket. What are you running away from?
You could sort out your thinking behaviors -- this area seems all muddled. I'm only guessing here... and I could guess wrong.

You feel anger and resentment that he asked you to stop cheating this time.

Do you then think he's to blame because he's holding you accountable? HE is keeping you from another lover because he holds you accountable? Rather than YOU keeping you from another lover because you keep building cheating relationships? So "now he gets to have other lover and you don't" seems to be the attitude here.

Or is it not even about the other lover -- it's that in asking you to stop cheating, you think he's "taking away" the distraction that makes life bearable for you, and is asking you to be present and attend to the marriage... and that's what you are busy trying to run away from? You don't WANT more ugh in your life?

It makes me wonder if your "compersion" wasn't really joy that he has another lover and are happy for him. It was about what YOU get to have. "I'm happy for him to have someone if it means *I* get to continue mine!" type thoughts. Or thoughts of "nobody here in the marriage -- he's off with her, and I'm off with mine so YAY! We don't have to deal with ____ in the marriage because everyone is too busy elsewhere! Woot!"

So maybe that is why you mix the two issues rather than keeping them separate? For you they are not separate -- one it a means to an end. "Letting him have his GF" is the means to "you getting your BF" and/or "Nobody has to attend to marriage problems -- not even me!"

He claims you went on to more cheating like a weapon of "revenge affairs" -- what's that all about? Is that claim true? You don't like him holding you accountable for cheating? You can't begin dating a BF openly? What blocks you from just telling DH you want to date?

Since your husband seems open to you having another lover if you go about it in ethical ways rather than cheaty ways -- what are you after?
  • That you fear you don't have the skills to form a relationship in up front ways WITHOUT cheating so prefer to build other relationship that way?
  • Or is the "risk/danger of being caught" thing the thrill angle you are after here?
  • Or is the "hurt my husband" thing the power angle you are after here? You form relationships this way so you have that power card in your hand to hurt him when he discovers you cheated again?
  • Or you want (to not have to deal) with something? The marriage? Your depression? And the "not have to deal" is the thing you want? To be off THAT hook and be able to avoid -- even if it means creating cheating behavior so the focus is on THAT rather than the avoiding behavior you do?

You do not WANT to have open, honest, ethical polyamory with your husband the the other partners for him/you because_______?

You WANT to have open polyship on his side and his GF and cheating affairs on your side because then you get to _________?

Could you be willing to fill in the blanks?
Why does he get to continue when I’m forced to end?
  • You haven't been forced to end having other BFs. (If you want to stop having other BFs you could just stop dating.)
  • You haven't been forced to end your marriage. (If you want to end it, could treat it separate and end it CLEANLY first.)
  • You have been asked to START something -- begin having relationships in honest and open ways.

It's all up to you how you want to live your life. Are you enjoying this way of living it -- with cheating?

You could work with your marriage counselor to process these emotions and sort out your thoughts so they are organized.

You actually have opportunity here some people don't get -- the opportunity to rebuild a marriage. With this many affairs he'd be totally justified in walking away from your repeat behavior and not trying any more. Yet he's willing to see a marriage counselor and work with you.

This is opportunity for growth for you. You could work on your stuff and come out of this NOT depressed, still married, and with a shot at polyamory and having a new BF that is NOT begun out of cheating ways.

You could choose to keep it in the angry cloud or you could choose to move it forward toward something better for you.

Up to you.

I don't know if this could help:

If you lied about your blessing for him to open, and are doing revenge affairs rather than just telling him you lied to get him to break up? You could just stop with the cheating and be emotionally honest.

Or maybe you didn't lie -- maybe you thought you could handle it but are afraid to discover that you actually can't, experienced poly hell stuff, are now desperate to find a new partner for a safety net because you fear husband leaving you for the other lady since things seem great for them and things in your marriage seem rocky? So it went from first cheat affair "frying pan" into the polyamory "fire" with you more and more in over your head?

Why did you launch the first cheating affair? What need were you trying to meet?

I don't know what's going on in your head. But you could sort out what your thoughts are and try a new behavior thing with you and with your spouse -- total emotional honesty. See if that serves you better. Go ahead and risk being vulnerable and risk sorting this stuff out. Risk growing the intrapersonal and interpersonal skills stronger. So that you can have a better outcome.

Hang in there,

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-25-2013 at 02:40 AM.
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