Originally Posted by Darkling
even if we weren't monogamous, I would prefer that our marriage was the primary relationship for both of us. I'm afraid of risking that. I also have lived in the mono-get-married-and-stay-together-for-life model that it seems really strange to entertain the idea of pursuing another relationship knowing that it will end at some point. Maybe mutually and gracefully, and maybe not. Why would I sign up for a relationship that has a shelf life from the start? It sounds painful. Does this concern make sense to anyone? Does everyone really end up with a loving extended family of ex-lovers? Or do they end up with a collection of uncomfortable exes that pop up periodically to cause problems?
I started out with that, too. I never thought I would have another primary, neither did my husband. But the important thing is that our bond is stil IMPORTANT. It is just that another person has become important, too. It does not feel imposing. I would never enter a relationship with a shelf life. Even when I thought our other relationships would be secondaries, I never thought if would be like "fun for a while". I really belive in cherishing people - and no relation ever end unless at least one involved want it to!
Living poly in a predominantly mono environment is not easy. Oh, people will fall in love! That part is not the problem. The freaking out about falling in love-part is problematic, though. We have had our share in that. Still we keep in contact with everyone; they are our friends and aquaintances. There might be resentment, but there is no hate. We make it our businiss to work with ourselves and leave it up to others to do the same.