In which Alleycat finds himself in a moral quandary
So, recently I've come into a situation that is unusual to me, by that I mean one where I'm being asked to bend my usual code of ethics, and I find myself fairly agreeable to the request.
A long term friend of mine, (lets call her Freyja) and I have had a mutual latent attraction which we never acted on for a number of reasons, mostly due to us being in various other committed relationships which wouldn't have meshed well with the others situation (hers being generally monogamous but occasionally fraught with infidelity, mine being normally triads, V's or occasionally...... Ok, habitually FWBs/one nighters, and being married at the time)
Now, freyja and I have several things in common, (and not altogether happy things) we both have very similar skeletons in our respective closets, commonality of personal baggage and scar tissue from previous relationships, and certain tendencies related to sex as well as a few traits in common how we "adjust" our partners. This gives us a very specific and intimate understanding of how and why each of us is wired and behaves a certain way, which tends to lead us to a fairly perverse flavor of honesty with each other.
Recently some of the barriers to us acting on our mutual attraction have disappeared, and we ended up acting out lightly on some of our urges (frankly we're both 1000% more comfortable with someone once there's been some sexual contact with that person), and it turns out the attraction was quite a bit more than physical, and we're both interested in presuing things further.
The issue (and poly angle) is; she currently has a boyfriend, who's she's deeply committed to, and with good reason. He's very good to her, has been there for her thru a lot of personal grief, understands to a degree a lot of her issues and history, and frankly he's a great guy. Hell I get along great with him.
Whereas he'd likly be ok with her having a throw-away one night stand, we're both fairly certain he's not wired to accept ME suddenly becoming involved with her, which leads me to an issue where I don't want to have a negative impact on their relationship and potentially ruin something good for her, but knowing how me and her tend to behave, and why, it's fairly certain we won't be able to avoid the sexual aspect, and certainly have zero desire to cease any social contact with one another.
So for the time being while she figures out how to work things so she can have her cake and eat it too, she's asked me for utmost discretion, and to keep things a secret for the time being, we both know at a certain point it becomes painfully obvious when I'm involved with someone, it's not like I haven't been someone's secret thing before, but the signs always show up eventually, so "Discretion" (meaning: omissions and lies as nessisary) would only be a short term solution, and one I'm not normally comfortable with. In fact the only reason I'd consider it is because of the potential damage that could be done with honesty at this point until she can work things out (potentially) on the other end of things.
Sigh. More details to add tomorrow.
-not looking for advice, just needed to vent. Thanks for scrolling down this far.