View Single Post
Old 11-23-2013, 01:41 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
I've been thinking a lot about my view of polyamory. While I'm not monogamous by orientation, I also don't want completely open polyamory.

Open polyamory seems like it often involves a lot of relationships in flux, always being defined and redefined (or not defined at all!). As a somewhat anxious person who gets closely attached to the people I choose to surround myself with, I function most healthily in a stable environment with stable connections. I find the thought of constant change intensely stressful rather than uplifting and exciting.

For me, I would be happy just being with one great love in my life, a descriptive monogamous relationship. But I wouldn't want to be in a prescriptive monogamous relationship, because I think I have the capacity to fall very deeply in love with more than one person, and the thought of someday having to say no to a second love of my life honestly just makes me want to cry. And could I ask that a partner not be with someone they loved, for no good reason? No!

For me, the bar for a committed relationship is very high. I crush often, but I fall in love very seldom. I want a small sort of poly arrangement, no more than about four people in a household - something family-centric, with kids eventually. I want to be very close with all my metamours, whether we're also paramours or not.

At this point in my life, I have no interest in secondaries, just primaries. I think I would want to get to know people as friends first and only get involved if I think it has lifelong potential.
I am with you all the way here. What you describe is possible. The right mix, the right arrangement and the right personalities. Absolutely..

Is it reasonable to ask new or potential partners if they would be comfortable with setting their own "bar" similarly high? Is this just as bad as prescriptive monogamy?
Ask yes, expect no.. its possible to find, but trying to arrange it, would be hard. People aren't relationship chess pieces.

Define your goals clearly, no wishy washy.. and let them define what they want

keep an open mind, you may find what you think you want, isn't what you end up in.

More generally, what do you think of polyfidelity? Do you have to fall into it (e.g., whoops we both fell in love with my best friend and she loves us too)? Or is it something you can plan for?
I think its fine as long as no one is forced, coerced or broken to be part of it. I also think its fine as long as it can be renegotiated. You never know what happens and to be a collective ball and chain sucks.
Reply With Quote