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Old 11-23-2013, 01:13 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 73
Default Is it possible to plan polyfidelity?

I've been thinking a lot about my view of polyamory. While I'm not monogamous by orientation, I also don't want completely open polyamory.

Open polyamory seems like it often involves a lot of relationships in flux, always being defined and redefined (or not defined at all!). As a somewhat anxious person who gets closely attached to the people I choose to surround myself with, I function most healthily in a stable environment with stable connections. I find the thought of constant change intensely stressful rather than uplifting and exciting.

For me, I would be happy just being with one great love in my life, a descriptive monogamous relationship. But I wouldn't want to be in a prescriptive monogamous relationship, because I think I have the capacity to fall very deeply in love with more than one person, and the thought of someday having to say no to a second love of my life honestly just makes me want to cry. And could I ask that a partner not be with someone they loved, for no good reason? No!

For me, the bar for a committed relationship is very high. I crush often, but I fall in love very seldom. I want a small sort of poly arrangement, no more than about four people in a household - something family-centric, with kids eventually. I want to be very close with all my metamours, whether we're also paramours or not.

At this point in my life, I have no interest in secondaries, just primaries. I think I would want to get to know people as friends first and only get involved if I think it has lifelong potential.

Is it reasonable to ask new or potential partners if they would be comfortable with setting their own "bar" similarly high? Is this just as bad as prescriptive monogamy?

More generally, what do you think of polyfidelity? Do you have to fall into it (e.g., whoops we both fell in love with my best friend and she loves us too)? Or is it something you can plan for?
Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future

Last edited by LemonCakeIsALie33; 11-23-2013 at 01:20 AM.
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