We made some mistakes
I'm posting because I'm new to this and have no one to talk to. Conservative family and friends make it hard to open up. My husband of 3 years, and I started trying to have an open relationship a month ago. We have a strong relationship and I love him very much. I've never considered divorce as an option to our problems because I believe very strongly in commitment.
Things didn't start out well for us. He actually set me up on a date with a guy he was talking to online. He started this because he thought this other guy and his girlfriend would try to swap, for both dating and sex, more for fun than having an actual relationship. I'm not confusing swinging with poly, I'm just saying that's how it started out and that's what hubby was expecting.
Come to find out after my date, me not knowing what to expect, that the guy had broken up with her after we met and told me he had problems withy their relationship and she was the one that pushed him into open relationship. So no one knew what they wanted or what to expect from each other.
This being my first time ever opening up my relationship I was very surprised to find out that I'm actually falling in love with this guy. And that was something I didn't expect and something my hubby didn't want.
We never set boundaries, which I know now we should have, as well as making our expectations clear. One thing is that my husband felt that he didn't like the guy and I he was insecure about me just up and leaving him. Even Though the whole time he kept telling me to go out with him and pretended to be happy because I was happy and excited. But then one night, 2 nights actually, he got drunk and kept sending hurtful awful texts to me and the guy I was dating. This guy, let's call him J, was very pissed off, for good reason, and tried to hash it out with H.
J hasn't left because he says he is very deeply in love with me and wants to be with me, even though he feels secondary to my husbands and my relationship. Which is something I don't want to him to feel because I can imagine having a long happy relationship with him.
I talked and fought with my husband over this and he has realized what he's done wrong and what he needs to fix. He and I are still working on it.
So here's where I'm struggling.
I am in love with two guys who wish they could have me all to themselves but don't make me choose because I've told them how badly that would hurt me and how I'd be more inclined to leave both of them I f they pushed me to do it.
Both of them feel like the other is having more fun. With me or is getting more time with me. And J keeps asking questions about me and H's relationship but ends up hurt by some of my answers.
My husband thinks that if I get pregnant I need to give up on J and focus being monogomous. Even though I'm so in love. My hubby says he wants things to work out between me and J because he makes me happy.
J wants to roommate because he wants to be closer to me and when I tell him it feels too soon he looks hurt because I have someone and he doesn't.
J likes H and wants to be friends but H finds him annoying.
I don't care if they become friends as long as they get along, but H thinks that if they're not friends it's not going to work.
I've read a lot of support sites but the problem is that I don't want to do because damage has been don't to both sides and I feel like I'm in the middle of a storm with two people who don't realize how much they are taking their pain out on me, and seem so caught up in their own feelings because of all this to be a support to me. I've been trying to put my foot down and establish some ground rules but sometimes it feels that we don't all want the same things. Which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel so overwhelmed and hurt. I've tried talking to both of them at the same time but that usually ends with J trying to fix things without listening and H shutting down.
I feel like I have so little strength but all I want is to hold onto both of them because I love them very much. And yes, I'm in love with someone I've only known for a month.
I know I should have done things differently and now I love two people who are hurt and confused. What can I do to be a support as well as not feel like everything falls on me to make them happy. J keeps telling me he misses me day and night when I'm gone and so does H. I care for them very much and want things to work out.
Thanks for reading.