Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Really? You have NO behavior expectations?
Then HOW can you show him that poly can be done and that he is an equal partner?
You seem to expect your DH to behave politely and welcoming to the BF.
You seem to expect yourself to behave politely and welcoming to the BF.
What do you expect from the BF's behavior toward you or toward husband?
There you seem to expect the BF to disclose what's going on with him and not just be sitting around in a funk in self isolation. Just TELL what's on his mind already. See? Expectations of behavior -- so the polyship can run more smoothly. Nobody can be a mind reader.
Could tell the BF straight up that you expect him to DO ___ behaviors or NOT DO ____ behaviors. Especially when he's not sounding particularly assertive. Maybe he wants to hear the "all clear" so he can be more confident in disclosing?
Yup. Could talk more. It is also possible to consider he marries someone else while remaining in polyship with you. The spouse could be poly or poly-friendly. Really BF could articulate what his preferences are or could be in time. Again... nobody is a mind reader.
Yup. Distance it what it is.
Or he could step down because he has found his preference really is for relating in a monoship format and his preference is to wind up with one love, unshared. Experiment tried, results are what they are.
If he needs to call it "step back and rescue your marriage" rather than "leave so I can be free from discomfort" -- no matter. Maybe it is his personality to not assert himself and couch everything in terms of others?
If his preference it for monoshipping? Simply just not compatible. Like the distance thing... it is what it is.
Could talk and sort yourselves out. You could pay extra attention to not just the verbal -- but the paraverbal and the nonverbal communication here. Esp if he's not great and just spitting out whatever it is verbally. Ask clarifying questions.
Of course I - and my husband - have certain things that we prefer, or wish for. But we can never make anyone do anything. That is why I wrote that we don't expect
him to do things. Hell, I did not even expect him to be with me, which was kind of why I jumped off my seat the second I thought he might be thinking of the door. Whatever preference I have, I tell him when I think of them, and encourage him to do the same.
Yes, it is his personality to not assert himself and to think of others. He is very aware of that himself, and proud of it. I try to show him it is ok for him to speak of his own needs, too.
No, he does not consider marrying someone else while in a poly relationship with me. He would consider meeting/marrying someone else if we broke up (which he does not intend to do). There is not a community of poly friendly people where he lives. I also doubt he is interested in pursuing two relationships at once. I think he somehow want to marry me or at least live with me, and have children by me.
I think I am a little more than an experiment to him; he has spent our time together telling me I am the love of his life.
Mono and poly can be compatible; I know V's where both the ends are mono and just the hinge is poly, it can be done. He says he would prefer to have met me before I married, but that he is willing to try this life because I mean so much to him. He also says that I have already given him much more than he has gotten in previous mono relationships, that he feels seen and cared for.
Nonverbial communication says often more than words, this is why Skype and similar is vital, so that body language is not lost. Next time we will just cancel if the net is not working well enough to use Skype. Also, we agreed to postphone our "big discussions" to when we meet in person.