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Old 11-22-2013, 04:26 AM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I don't think you quite got my drift so let me try again...

I know you are not used to them yet. You are in a a transition space.

I was talking about HIM owning his behavior and HIM acknowledging that "change" is not instant like the flick of a light switch. It takes TIME. What is HE doing to help him feel more comfortable?
This was really helpful - I feel a lot of times that some people in D/s relationships look down at others who can't flick the switch - the ones who say things like 'you agreed, just obey!' as if it really were that easy. It helps to be reminded that I'm not a lost cause because I can't do that.
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To get mad at YOU because HIS KID MOM puts things of their kids out there? Makes no sense.
I agree.
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  • To stop YOU from seeing it, he could unlink you.
  • To stop kid pix being "out there" and accessible through him, he could ask the kid mom to stop posting them and/or he could unlink from her to cut down access. (Since he can ask, but he cannot control what she posts.)
This makes sense. I agree.
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You can do things from your side of it too. And thus be YOU helping to meet agreements.

But he's not seeming to help himself to be more comfortable or help his partner (you) to meet agreements. He's just sitting there complaining!

This is a SHARED agreement, right? He's expected to hold up his end of it? Or is it all you to carry alone? Only you are held accountable to this and you can expect no help from him in meeting the agreement?
I don't think he thinks of it as a shared agreement. This is a good point. I think he thinks of it as a boundary that he has laid out, and that I am not to cross, regardless. So he is putting it all on me. But, if he wants the obedience that comes with being on the D side of the slash, he needs to do what he can to make it easier to obey, rather than me being set up for failure.
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If so... That wouldn't serve you well -- why agree to things that don't serve you well?
Because it's a lot easier if things are my fault? I know it goes way off topic, but I've never figured out how things are "supposed" to work when the D type is the one that needs reprimanded.
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This stuff doesn't seem like horrible or unusual behavior to me:
  • You could look at your google/gmail stuff. It's your stuff.
  • You can look at anyone you link to. They accepted your invite to link up.
  • Anyone they are linked to that is public access? You are free to cruise. They are responsible for what data they put up that isn't secure.
This list makes sense to me. He does not agree.
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The part I found impulsive is this part of the story...
  • You realizing that he prob would not like that.
  • You stopped, hopefully unlinked to meet your new agreement.
  • Then you went to blurt at him what you did.

This is the part I found impulsive. Blurting and not taking time to think out HOW you say it to him.
Interesting.
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I don't know if you were hoping for kudos for meeting the new agreement or what. But when you know he does not currently own his behavior and recently triggered, is it a realistic expectation that being blurted at could cause him to retrigger? Probably. I'm not saying to never tell him... just could pick your TIMING better and HOW you express yourself better. In this case blurting did not seem to serve you well, since it spawned a fresh hooha with the triggery dude.

Both partners here could help each other with their stuff so both partners can honor this new agreement rather than bickering some more at each other.

That's the impulsive behavior I am suggesting you could work on. Could stop to think over several options out all the way first, and THEN pick which suits the circumstances best. Not just going with first thought, first action.
I was expecting a slap on the wrist. A reminder to not do that, and an acknowledgement that he should talk to her if he doesn't want it out there publicly. He's big big big on honesty from me, so it's true, I wasn't thinking of anything except realizing he'd not be happy, and I thought telling him would result in getting scolded and moving on. I did want to ask him about some of the photos too, but I feel I can't even bring them up now. I did not think it was going to explode in my face. But - I know he has some very specific triggers I've been careful about, and I guess I need to add this to the list. Not something I expected, at all. So for future, need to take more time, think, be more careful. I suppose it's good we talk in text form - I have more time to think than if we were talking voice.
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If these things are THAT important to him he could take more care. He seems to expect other people to guard his information while he doesn't seem to do anything about it himself at this time. That's what you are dealing with here and we could ask "why does he expect that?" til the cows come home... or you could accept he's this way right now. Who knows what he needs to change this expectation that isn't serving him well? Only him.
I do not understand him not taking more care of the information; and if he doesn't care about strangers seeing it, why in hell does he care if I see it? But you are right, I can acknowledge that this is how he is right now. And if I want to be with him, I deal with him as he is.
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But you being blurty on impulse does not seem to ADD to his odds of success in revising his expectations of himself and his behavior so.... could not blurt. That's all I'm saying. You could have come here for a pat on the back for staying inside the new agreement and backing off when you realized you might be entering grey area. Rather than looking for a pat on the back from him at this time (and risk him triggering.)
Heh, and here I thought lurking would be most of what I'd need to do on this forum. Delving into all this is kinda yucky. But, I think it's helping.
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Hope that clarifies a bit. I do hope you guys work it through and arrive at a better way in time. Hang in there. Changes take time.
Thanks. I need to be patient.
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