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Old 11-22-2013, 04:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quote:
We don't "expect" anything, we just want to show him poly can be done and that he is an equal partner, if he wants to be.
Really? You have NO behavior expectations?

Then HOW can you show him that poly can be done and that he is an equal partner?

You seem to expect your DH to behave politely and welcoming to the BF.
You seem to expect yourself to behave politely and welcoming to the BF.

What do you expect from the BF's behavior toward you or toward husband?

Quote:
BF definetely needs more talks. He told me he was a bit afraid to discuss it with my husband, but after I told him yesterday he need not be, he talked a LOT about poly with my husband today while I was away at a meeting. BF has felt that he should not demand too much, especially in regards to the future, but my husband told him it is not like that. Also, BF was worried that my husband was not getting the best (my sharing me), but my husband told him he is ok sharing and that they both make me (and my hb) happy.
There you seem to expect the BF to disclose what's going on with him and not just be sitting around in a funk in self isolation. Just TELL what's on his mind already. See? Expectations of behavior -- so the polyship can run more smoothly. Nobody can be a mind reader.

Could tell the BF straight up that you expect him to DO ___ behaviors or NOT DO ____ behaviors. Especially when he's not sounding particularly assertive. Maybe he wants to hear the "all clear" so he can be more confident in disclosing?

Quote:
Before, he told me that he is sad that he cannot marry me, I guess he also wants children and are afraid that is not possible with me. I think we are all ready for more future-talks, to see what we want and what can be done.
Yup. Could talk more. It is also possible to consider he marries someone else while remaining in polyship with you. The spouse could be poly or poly-friendly. Really BF could articulate what his preferences are or could be in time. Again... nobody is a mind reader.

Quote:
We are in different parts of the world - and know the distance can not be closed for years. This alone make people in love freak.
Yup. Distance it what it is.
Quote:
I think most of his concerns related to him being unfamiliar wity poly. All the things that are on his mind relate to "gentlemanship" that he thinks he might step down as so to "rescue" our marriage. This is normal mono thinking, to think that all things must end with one ("real") love.
Or he could step down because he has found his preference really is for relating in a monoship format and his preference is to wind up with one love, unshared. Experiment tried, results are what they are.

If he needs to call it "step back and rescue your marriage" rather than "leave so I can be free from discomfort" -- no matter. Maybe it is his personality to not assert himself and couch everything in terms of others?

If his preference it for monoshipping? Simply just not compatible. Like the distance thing... it is what it is.

Could talk and sort yourselves out. You could pay extra attention to not just the verbal -- but the paraverbal and the nonverbal communication here. Esp if he's not great and just spitting out whatever it is verbally. Ask clarifying questions.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-22-2013 at 04:19 AM.
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