Ceoli, I would never begin to put the love you've had on a lower level. I'm not going that way. I know there are many secondaries (yes I hate that term) that have probably evolved over time to become equal partners in life and love with the couple they have joined, and therefore would no longer be called secondary. That obviously takes a special set of people and circumstances for that to happen, but it is the goal many of us in poly relationships strive for.
I am working hard in my own poly life to integrate our secondary (my other life love as mono would say) into our "V" as an equal member in every way, but as you can imagine with a spouse of 27 years it's difficult. She has to want to relinquish sole possession of 1st place and that's very difficult with a mono person after 27 years of marriage. Cohabitation seems to be the easy part in this....and all our kids are grown and out of the house so that's another hurdle crossed......affection/caring is not an issue for all 3 of us.......but my wife still struggles with the nights alone in our bed while I am with my other love. We are 3 long time 20+ year friends with mutual interests and desires. I venture to say that if we can't make this work at this most opportune time in our lives then I say it is impossible for anyone to pull it off. The perfect scenerio you and I so desire, may in fact, be one of those elusive unicorns that people on this board mention others constantly chasing. We'll see.