An odd turn of events, this past week.
It has been worrying me a bit that I have been investing so much of myself in my friendship with Metis. It just seems to put too much of a burden on her to be the only other person besides Vix in whom I can confide. She's very busy, and has other friendships; she's been dating guys all along, though none of them have really caught on.
For some reason, I thought I might try out OK Cupid, again. I'd had accounts on there in the past, but really just couldn't deal with the weirdness of online dating and the frustration of never hearing back from anyone . . . except Nyx, of course. But then, she wasn't all that in to OKC, to begin with, and I was just about to shut down my account there, so we had that in common from the first: we were both defectors from online dating.
So, I have a new account, and a new approach. Here's how my profile starts:
There are three things to know up front:
- I am happily married and my spouse and I agreed some years ago to become ethically non-monogamous; the term that comes closest to describing what we practice is 'polyamory'. That means we are each free to develop close relationships with other people, which may or may not involve physical intimacy, on the condition that everyone knows about everyone else.
- I am open to meeting people, but I make no assumptions about what form any given relationship will or ought to take. I've never really understood "dating" or "romance" in their conventional meanings. I'm here to see if I can find people whom I might like to get to know as human beings, though the relationships that develop between us may range from passing acquaintanceship through long-term emotional and physical intimacy, with any number of possibilities in between. I am not seeking applicants for a job opening as a "partner" or a "secondary" or any particular thing.
- I don't especially like or trust this website. I've had accounts on here before, but canceled them. I mean, there's something just off about this as a way of meeting people.
That said, here I go again!
Searching through the site, focusing on my area and using as keywords variants of "polyamory", I found the profiles of a number of women who were intriguing, in one way or another.
And, whaddya know? Some of them wrote back.
I've struck up a very nice correspondence with a woman out in the darkest suburbs of my region - I live in town - that seems already to have settled into an easy familiarity.
I'll be meeting someone for coffee this weekend. She's especially intriguing. She describes herself as being in a marriage that is "open on both ends", but with little detail beyond that. From her answer to the various questions I gather she's looking for FWBs (FsWB?) and - unless she answered many of the questions strategically or ironically - what she really wants is a sub.
She seems to want to portray herself as the whip hand . . . in earnest or not, I don't know.
I plan to go to coffee with an active mind, though, and without undue assumptions or biases. From other aspects of her profile and other answers to other questions, she certainly seems worth an hour or so of conversation, if nothing else.
What strikes me about these developments is how calm I am about them, how entirely normal it all seems. I may feel differently about this after coffee this weekend . . . but I suspect the difference from my previous experience on OKC stems from The Shift that took place last spring, as documented at the beginning of this blog thread.
I'm feeling confident. If none of these new connections becomes anything other than a passing correspondence or a couple of coffee dates, I'll be okay, and I'll have learned something. If one or more of them develops into a friendship or something else, I'll be okay.
It's been an interesting exercise to write engaging introductory notes - in complete sentences, with correct spelling and grammar, about something other than the physical attributes of the recipient. Some of those who have written back made a point of thanking me just for that!
Of course, I found Vix's profile and sent the following: