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Old 11-21-2013, 10:07 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Norway
Posts: 607

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like he needs reassurance and what is expected of him and what is NOT expected of him clarified. It's early days yet -- the "new normal" will feel weird until ti becomes "old normal."

What does he need to gain understanding? Resources? More talks?

Such as...? Can he list his concerns specifically?

Feelings happen. Yummy or yucky ones. If he def does not want to risk getting either yummy or yucky ones in this V, he could not participate.

Feeling things is part of the price of admission. Perhaps getting more confident about how to work through feelings and resolve conflict could help? You both are sometimes sounding like "aaaahhh! a conflict! Will s/he dump me?" sounding lately. Could chill.

How does BF "measure" love? And who is responsible for meeting your husband's needs? BF or you?

What behavior does BF do that he thinks is interfering? Would it help if husband told him all is fine with husband?

What future is he hoping for that cannot happen?

Yes and no.
  • No -- it is up to each individual to decide if they are willing to participate. Nobody can be forced.
  • But if all are in? Then yes, all could co-create the agreements for how they want to be together. Including how to break up decently if the polyship needs to end.

Knowing what is going on, what is expected/not expected can help reduce anxiety.
Well, it is early - and this is my first real poly relationship too - so it is a bit new to me and my husband as well. We don't "expect" anything, we just want to show him poly can be done and that he is an equal partner, if he wants to be.

BF definetely needs more talks. He told me he was a bit afraid to discuss it with my husband, but after I told him yesterday he need not be, he talked a LOT about poly with my husband today while I was away at a meeting. BF has felt that he should not demand too much, especially in regards to the future, but my husband told him it is not like that. Also, BF was worried that my husband was not getting the best (my sharing me), but my husband told him he is ok sharing and that they both make me (and my hb) happy.

Before, he told me that he is sad that he cannot marry me, I guess he also wants children and are afraid that is not possible with me. I think we are all ready for more future-talks, to see what we want and what can be done.

We are in different parts of the world - and know the distance can not be closed for years. This alone make people in love freak. He is a mono who does not understand what poly is about. I have bad experience dating mono people with blurry minds. Chilling after getting buttons pushed is possible when you see what is happening in the other person's head/get some real connection - which we are both/all trying to acheive, over a couple of seas.

I think most of his concerns related to him being unfamiliar wity poly. All the things that are on his mind relate to "gentlemanship" that he thinks he might step down as so to "rescue" our marriage. This is normal mono thinking, to think that all things must end with one ("real") love.

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 11-21-2013 at 10:34 PM.
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