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Old 11-21-2013, 04:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,634

Sounds like he needs reassurance and what is expected of him and what is NOT expected of him clarified. It's early days yet -- the "new normal" will feel weird until ti becomes "old normal."

he does not quite understand polyamory.
What does he need to gain understanding? Resources? More talks?

He is concerned for the future of our V.
Such as...? Can he list his concerns specifically?

He talked about that he does not want to get my feelings hurt - I guess he meant himself too..!
Feelings happen. Yummy or yucky ones. If he def does not want to risk getting either yummy or yucky ones in this V, he could not participate.

Feeling things is part of the price of admission. Perhaps getting more confident about how to work through feelings and resolve conflict could help? You both are sometimes sounding like "aaaahhh! a conflict! Will s/he dump me?" sounding lately. Could chill.

He asked me if I was not taking away love that my husband should have, by giving him love.
How does BF "measure" love? And who is responsible for meeting your husband's needs? BF or you?

he feels that I have obligations towards my husband and is afraid he is sort of interfering in that respect.
What behavior does BF do that he thinks is interfering? Would it help if husband told him all is fine with husband?

And that there could not be a future for a relationship like this.
What future is he hoping for that cannot happen?
And I said that it is up to the three of us to decide if we want to be together in the future, and how.
Yes and no.
  • No -- it is up to each individual to decide if they are willing to participate. Nobody can be forced.
  • But if all are in? Then yes, all could co-create the agreements for how they want to be together. Including how to break up decently if the polyship needs to end.

Knowing what is going on, what is expected/not expected can help reduce anxiety.
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