Originally Posted by bookbug
The same reasons you feel comfortable for her exploring sex with a woman is true for exploring sex with a man. PEOPLE ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE! You seem to be under the misguided notion that because you and other men share the same type of plumbing that it is just a matter of your wife finding a guy with plumbing she likes better, etc. I can guarantee you that she married you for 1000 other reasons than your plumbing.
Now, the question I would ask, is do you and your wife have real issues in your marriage? Issues that could be exacerbated by adding new lovers. In regard to you adding a lover, it sounds like your marriage is very strong. But the only true danger I see, is if in fact you two have issues that haven't been fully resolved (outside the general insecurities many have when embarking on poly).
That is a good question...We have some residual resentment and unresolved issues in our marriage. Mostly related to communication (which poly has helped us as it has forced us to talk a lot!!), and we both have feelings around the limited intimacy we had over the last few years. She felt pressure to have intercourse and I felt rejected as I wanted sexual intimacy, not specifically intercourse. There are some medical issues and past traumas for her that have created a feeling of panic if someone needs her for their sexual needs. She hasn't had a libido in years (like zero libido), but when I went out and met my lover, her libido came back very strong!
She has felt safe to express her realization that she is more than likely poly, and this has been hard for me to process as I've been as patient as I think I could have been while she work on some of her past issues. But the dynamic that was created from us not connecting as an intimate couple built resentment between us.
So I think my vunerability is that I have wanted to be intimate with her for so very long, and it has taken me having sex with someone else to make that happen again. Now that we are having sex again, she wants to explore with other men. I don't feel secure enough I guess in our marriage to trust that she isn't ultimately exploring sexually with other men because she wants something different. It feeds on some insecurities I have around how satisfying our sex life together has been, giving the limited amount of sexual intimacy we have had for most of our marriage.