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Old 11-21-2013, 07:15 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,854
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I don't think you quite got my drift so let me try again...

Quote:
Quote:
If he's not helping you and him to meet new agreements and you are not helping you and him to meet new agreements in this transitional time while you and him are reviewing your individual digital things -- why do make these agreements?
We made the agreements so he would feel more comfortable, and I guess I'm not used to them yet. I have been very careful not to go looking for stuff. I did not think I'd encounter it randomly like this, so my clicky fingers got there before my brain remembered to stop. 'Photo of baby? So adorable!!! must look at! aww.... oh wait. oops. my bad.'
I know you are not used to them yet. You are in a a transition space.

I was talking about HIM owning his behavior and HIM acknowledging that "change" is not instant like the flick of a light switch. It takes TIME. What is HE doing to help him feel more comfortable?

To get mad at YOU because HIS KID MOM puts things of their kids out there? Makes no sense.
  • To stop YOU from seeing it, he could unlink you.
  • To stop kid pix being "out there" and accessible through him, he could ask the kid mom to stop posting them and/or he could unlink from her to cut down access. (Since he can ask, but he cannot control what she posts.)

You can do things from your side of it too. And thus be YOU helping to meet agreements.

But he's not seeming to help himself to be more comfortable or help his partner (you) to meet agreements. He's just sitting there complaining!

This is a SHARED agreement, right? He's expected to hold up his end of it? Or is it all you to carry alone? Only you are held accountable to this and you can expect no help from him in meeting the agreement?

If so... That wouldn't serve you well -- why agree to things that don't serve you well?

This stuff doesn't seem like horrible or unusual behavior to me:
  • You could look at your google/gmail stuff. It's your stuff.
  • You can look at anyone you link to. They accepted your invite to link up.
  • Anyone they are linked to that is public access? You are free to cruise. They are responsible for what data they put up that isn't secure.

The part I found impulsive is this part of the story...
  • You realizing that he prob would not like that.
  • You stopped, hopefully unlinked to meet your new agreement.
  • Then you went to blurt at him what you did.

This is the part I found impulsive. Blurting and not taking time to think out HOW you say it to him.

I don't know if you were hoping for kudos for meeting the new agreement or what. But when you know he does not currently own his behavior and recently triggered, is it a realistic expectation that being blurted at could cause him to retrigger? Probably. I'm not saying to never tell him... just could pick your TIMING better and HOW you express yourself better. In this case blurting did not seem to serve you well, since it spawned a fresh hooha with the triggery dude.

Both partners here could help each other with their stuff so both partners can honor this new agreement rather than bickering some more at each other.

That's the impulsive behavior I am suggesting you could work on. Could stop to think over several options out all the way first, and THEN pick which suits the circumstances best. Not just going with first thought, first action.

If these things are THAT important to him he could take more care. He seems to expect other people to guard his information while he doesn't seem to do anything about it himself at this time. That's what you are dealing with here and we could ask "why does he expect that?" til the cows come home... or you could accept he's this way right now. Who knows what he needs to change this expectation that isn't serving him well? Only him.

But you being blurty on impulse does not seem to ADD to his odds of success in revising his expectations of himself and his behavior so.... could not blurt. That's all I'm saying. You could have come here for a pat on the back for staying inside the new agreement and backing off when you realized you might be entering grey area. Rather than looking for a pat on the back from him at this time (and risk him triggering.)

Hope that clarifies a bit. I do hope you guys work it through and arrive at a better way in time. Hang in there. Changes take time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-21-2013 at 01:17 PM.
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