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Old 11-21-2013, 05:15 AM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'm glad you will work through the drama and you are stepping back some. Could not go on the fetlife thread to defend -- just deal with him direct. You have enough going on without more people in it.
Yeah. I'm staying out of it. It was hard for a while because the way he worded it (to me) sounded a lot worse than I thought it was, and the consensus was to dump me for disrespect/boundary crossing. Messing with his kids in any way shape or form is his biggest dealbreaker - and apparently viewing photos that he has not specifically sent to me impinges on that.
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You could have told him "Hey, since we have new boundaries I wanted to let you know to remember to check your gmail/googleplus. I rarely use it but I wanted you to know I turned my link to you off on my end. I also want you to be aware that by clicking on you, people can link to your kids mom stuff, and there see pix of the kids. So if that bothers you, you could review your Gmail/Google tsettings not just to me but others."
I didn't think of saying that first. You're right on the impulsiveness (below). I just clicked, and when I realized it he wouldn't be happy I told him, closed the tab and took him out of my circles.
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Then he can choose to unlink the mom and/or talk to her about the kids online presence.

Again, if he is this nervy about this digital information, he could not link to you. Totally makes it a non-issue. Do HIS side of the job so he can feel about about his digital prescence/connections online.
I do not understand why he does not understand this part. I keep my kids' stuff separate for this very reason.
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If he's not helping you and him to meet new agreements and you are not helping you and him to meet new agreements in this transitional time while you and him are reviewing your individual digital things -- why do make these agreements?
We made the agreements so he would feel more comfortable, and I guess I'm not used to them yet. I have been very careful not to go looking for stuff. I did not think I'd encounter it randomly like this, so my clicky fingers got there before my brain remembered to stop. 'Photo of baby? So adorable!!! must look at! aww.... oh wait. oops. my bad.'
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Alternately you could have disconnected from him in your gmail/google things and keep your end of the deal. Told him you disconnect there to honor your agreements.
I have taken him out of my circles now. I did not stop and think to do so before I looked - ergo, the damage is already done.
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And in noticing that he has loose things flapping out there from connecting to other people? Could NOT tell him that bit at this time. Could remind him to check his gmail/google at some other time later down when the recent hooha isn't so fresh so he doesn't retrigger. And at THAT time, let him choose to deal with it or not. Wouldn't kill anyone to hold off on the reminder for a few weeks.
Yeah. I don't think I specified exactly, but she has all her photos set to 'public', not friends only (or whatever the equivalent setting is on google+). So maybe good to remind him to talk to her at a later date.
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He seems to have a problem owning that what he connects to is HIS BEHAVIOR. And he can control his behavior.
Yeah.
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But in your behavior -- you seem to be very impulsive. I think stepping back and learning to not plunge ahead with whatever it is RIGHT NOW could be a good thing.
This is true. It's also likely to be the death of this relationship - he's told me that one more instance of boundary crossing/trust breaking - intentional or not - and we're through. (Three strikes?) So not only am I trying to be less impulsive, I'm backing up in this relationship a little, cause, I'm not perfect, and I'll probably fuck something else up, and if this hurts this much - how much more is it going to hurt later? He said it was only a tiny part of him that said 'not yet' to ending it, the majority of him was saying 'done'. But he's going with the minority, because I was honest with him.
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Hang in there.
Galagirl
Thanks.
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