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Old 11-21-2013, 02:27 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182
Default Not as closed as it was, which is fine

As usual, not blogging much.

AM and WI are on a date, and I'm probably the most relaxed ever. I have work to do, and am not really thinking about them at all. Except that I crapped out, mentally, so now I'm able to write for myself (and whoever is reading this).

I'd really like to hang out with each of them, about equally, once it's over. Just find out how it went. Chat. Chill.

I can see why AM is hurt that she doesn't have the domestic space with me, and that we basically don't have a chance to hang out like that, post-date. Sigh. It bugs me.

After a period of a few weeks of trying on the idea of exclusivity, with us, AM is in a new phase where she feels she needs to date and see other people, too. I totally understand, because right now, her desires are not ones that merge easily with what is going on in WI and my life. From the different side, AM's life is a bit chaotic and needs to calm down, and she's not in a place where she has control over that. In the end, WI doesn't want a cohabiting triad, at the moment, and AM does. I'm ... waiting. There are plenty of things that need to be resolved until it's even a possibility, I feel. It's a complicated space.

As is, though, I feel pretty much okay with AM dating. There's the nuts and bolts issues like sexual health, but beyond that, emotionally, it's okay. I'm curious who she'd date. She's worried about not meeting someone who would accept her relationships with WI and me, and then ... having to decide to leave us if this person offered something in her life that she really wants more. My response is that that's crazy - AM has always been poly, and to pick someone's monogamy and lose us seems wacko. Then again, I know I'm being selfish. Ha.

But really, to use the term differently than has been used on the board (we're not hunters...), AM is caught in the unicorn dilemma. And I get it. It sucks for her. She feels she's on the outside, and she's right. Domestically, she has her own house and kids, and we have ours. I wish I could help with the mindset that makes that a problem - there are ways I'm trying, and WI is trying, but AM has some strong shit to work through in her personal life, independent of us, and it all comes together to make things a bit difficult.

WI and I are talking about what changes have happened in our life. The fabric of our marriage is obviously totally different. Some of it is just details: I'm having my first work-week overnight with AM soon, and WI is okay with that - it's like a work trip, big deal. WI is on a date, and the kids know mom is with AM, and nobody blinks (I also think the kids don't imagine that mom and AM are lovers...).

Other parts are bigger deals: we want to convey to AM something that she's not really believing from us, which is just how much each of us, individually, wants her around, and coincidentally how we each enjoy how the other reacts when she's around. We're giving her a key to our house. I mean, really, just come in. Don't ask. You belong. And there's some jewelry planned to go along with it, symbolic in a different way.

This is happening at the same time that AM is talking about dating. It's a pulling closer while also opening up. That makes sense to me. Why not? In freedom comes strength. In one's OWN freedom (AM was the one who announced exclusivity, now is saying she needs freedom) there is a strength and confidence. What's unclear, in the harder moments of figuring out how we fit together, is whether the opening up is really a pulling away, because the situation seems impossible and we can't head where some of us might want it to. Things like being out (without advertising), not quite living together (while sharing houses fluidly), it's all so very complicated.

It's not like in couple monogamy you have signposts, but there's so damn much public knowledge that you know what you kinda should be doing. I wish we had a sense of what we should be doing. I asked for advice in a thread and the topic got derailed. The answer is always the same: it's process, and not product, that matters, basically. I know THAT. But sometimes the process doesn't provide clarity, while you're living it. Sure wish it did. Advice from others would be great, but it seems that everyone's story about this time in their life is different. There's advice at the end, but the muddling through the middle is just that: muddling.

Which is a hell of a productive way to live your life. Productive muddling. I'll buy it. Seems a hell of a lot better than a bunch of other alternatives.
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