The ebb & flow of whether I can be poly.
I've posted before I have had bouts of anxiety and fear around taking our existing monogamous relationship and opening it up. It all started when my wife and I had serious sexual intimacy issues related to communication, a fast and furious breeding time frame, a blended family, and some medical issues for my wife. She suggested, mostly to get me off her back, to start chatting with other women online and see where it went, as we went almost a year without any sexual intimacy.
I have had a lover since the summer, but as time goes on, the excitement of the V I've been in, has worn off. I seem to be going over to her house for my wife's sake (she gets off on it and it helped our sexual issues), and I am wanting a deeper connection with a woman (my wife. I pick my wife...).
Now my wife is starting to explore herself with chatting with men online, and possibly heading out for coffee and testing the waters.
As time moves along, I'm finding that I really just want my wife as my lover. Sex with my friend has always been 'nice' but never like it is with my wife. I absolutely adore and love her. I struggle with admitting that I may just not be poly, and feeling like I am letting her down. It makes me feel selfish that I want a monogamous relationship with her. Well, not entirely.
I'm very open to her exploring possibly being bi-sexual. It feels easy to accept that. But I really don't like the feelings that come up for me around her having other men as lovers. I want to be the one who she explores with. I've realized that it is fear of scarcity, comparison (better lover giving her what she needs), envy (as she may want to explore sexual dynamics with other men, but not me), and ultimately loss.
I feel I'm more in a spot where I can envision her having a girlfriend, possibly us dating other couples. So, that's a good step? Right?
But it really isn't what she is looking for I think. I feel a bit like a failure. I want to be the totally open minded, supportive husband that expresses compersion, but my damn feelings, fears, insecurities, and needs are getting in my way. And I don't feel safe discussing it, as the last time I went there, it really turned her libido off, and everything ground to a halt...
Reading more of The Ethical Slut, I'd like to think I'm moving along in opening up our marriage as I'm identifying my primary fears better, and looking at some positives. But I can't shake the feeling that I am not really cut out for this. I fear I will lose my quirky, beautiful, loving wife if I can't embrace this lifestyle, or that she won't be the person she feels she is if I express that I don't want her having sexual relationships with other men. I don't want her to be unhappy.
Or, am I just not connecting with my lover, and need to find someone else to fulfil my sexual needs (as our marriage has some blocks around exploration and me getting my sexual needs met within it)? But within the confines of falling in love with another woman that is a better fit? It doesn't feel natural to me, as I've always felt I found my life partner that I desire already.