what you just is a perfect example of open and honest communication WITH a veto rule... basically you saw something your partner didn't and yes i quite agree it had nothing to do with insecurities. i am saying thats why you have you look at why you are having a veto rule. if it is for control, insecurities, emotionalism, problems with the core/primary relationship...then i think a veto rule is a bad idea but if it is because you see a potentially harmful situation for your SO (like in your case Red) then it isnt messy and it is beneficial. the key was you didnt just say "veto!" you said "veto, and heres why"
i think veto rules are messy, but when applied like in your case they arent.
it all boils down to "why" are you having a veto rule which determines if it is messy...
Originally Posted by StitchwitchD
Yeah, when I say "retroactive veto" I'm referring to a situation where the primary partner was originally okay with the secondary relationship, then the primary started having problems with it, and instead of working through the issues, demanded that they break up. Of course, when 2 people are happy together and some 3rd party tries to force them apart, that doesn't do anything to change their feelings, and rarely goes well in any context. well.
this is exactly what i mean when i say that think that SOME vetos can be gateway to cheating. afterall, the feelings don't just go away.... it does not make the cheating right by anymeans....but certainly explains it a lot. don't you think?
I'm finding more and more that there is a trend in "poly talk" to make absolute statements about other peoples reality. Why is that? Is someone out there saying, "this is the way" and everyone following along? Can we not encorporate what others say and make it our own when we have some experience in it or in terms of our lives? The same language seems to come up over and over and it all says the same thing.... this is totally an aside, just something I have noticed.[/QUOTE]
agreed with the statement above. i'm sorry if ever i come across as "this is the only way" i'm open and i ask a lot of questions and i put my 2 cents in... i lack the ability to adequately communicate at times too... i apologize in advance.
but i will say when i know 100% something is wrong... in this case..cheating is 100% wrong even if it involves feelings and a previous partner whose relationship recently ended.