Thread: Help Please!
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Old 03-25-2010, 08:17 PM
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Honestheart Honestheart is offline
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Question

Holm,
ok snooping is wrong altho understandable in this scenario. i'm going to play devils advocate of sorts here...

firstly, perhaps she is trying to "come out of the closet" to you but simply lacks the words or maybe even the labels to describe what she feels. maybe she is poly, maybe she isn't. i know there are a few support groups out there for poly-mono relationships if indeed she is and i can email a few of them to you.
but is this a poly-mono relationship? i don't know. only your wife really will know.
being open and honest to each other is key. you need to talk this though. all of it.
maybe the alleged emotional affair (i say alleged only because it isnt coming from her but you... no offense meant ok?) is her way of reaching out and trying to get something she feels lacks in your relationship. this may be a time to rekindle and get back to basics and figure out where the disconnect is in the relationship.
thirdly, you need to be honest with yourself. you married her, you're monogamist and you never intended her to fall in love with somebody else.... what do you want? if she is poly, and that is a HUGE if (because we are talking to you afterall) then are you able to handle emotionally her with another man... what is best for you and her? what do you want? how do you feel? have your feelings changed about monogamy?
talk not only to her, but also ...to your own heart. be honest with yourself. the heart, never lies.
listen, only you and your wife can figure this out. all i know is something brought you two together and there seems to be a disconnect someplace.
i beg you two to not use poly as a reason to replace something that is missing in a core relationship, as it only leads to more harm down the road. IF THAT IS THE CASE. which it may not be....
if indeed she is poly, it is a beleif in her heart and as such she isnt seeking others because she lacks something, she is seeking other because well.... i dont know. thats something only she could answer.... it is differnet for us all...but essentially we all believe the same thing... you can and do fall in love with more then one person at one time and that indeed there isnt just one person out there that is "meant" for you....
i wish you both the best, and we are ALL HERE FOR YOU BOTH. ask questions away, seek out advice, explore... experience.... you're in a crisis right now and i'll be damned if anybody here turns away somebody who is confused, lost, and hurting.. because whether your wife is poly or not Holm, we've all felt that way and we understand. we've all gone along this same path of exploration before ( some of us as the poly partners and others as the monogamist partners...)
keep asking... keep searching.... keep talking....

ps: your therapist sounds very shall we say... direct but if i may say, forgetting is never the answer when it comes to cheating. even emotional cheating. there is a difference between dealing & then moving on and just flat out dropping it and forgetting... trust me, i know from personal experience simply forgetting doesnt work, it leads to more trouble down the road because you never dealt with the problem when it first came up. ok?
maybe this is a one time thing for her. maybe she is discovering something about herself. or maybe its something more... i dont know. but we're here for you.... i hope you can figure this out
take care
(((hugs)))
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-27-2010 at 02:13 PM.
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