Thread: Help Please!
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:33 PM
holm holm is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 7
Default Help Please!

Hi,

I am a monogomist, been married for 5 years, dating/engaged 3 years before that. I have no desire to have a relationship with anyone other than my wife (of course I do fantasize, but in terms of relationship, I don't want anyone other than my wife). Over the past few weeks I became aware of an emotional relationship my wife has been having with a male friend. I told her it made me uncomfortable, etc....This led to two weeks of arguing and fighting and me snooping on her emails which confirmed for me that this relationship really was an emotional affair (in my opinion). While we were arguing she would email him at work and he would be giving her reasons to choose him over me. She also verblly confirmed when we were fighting she did have feelings for him, but that she loves me and is married to me. I went to a counselor myself and she told me to forget about the suspected emotional affair (which she said she wouldn't confirm or deny without talking to my wife) because the problem was not the other guy, it was me and my not meeting her needs. Took that to heart, didn't talk to my wife about it for a week as this was just making her mad, stopped snooping, etc... We also started a marriage counseling session but so far we've only taken a inventory that will be used for the counselor to have some talking points.

Last night my wife and I were discussing some of the things on the inventory that we thought would be brought up in counseling and somehow I brought up something she had said to me when we were fighting. She said she doesn't know if "there is one person in the world for everyone." I probed to kind of figure out what she meant. I said, if we never met would we have found someone else...I think so, but now that we have each other that's all I want. I could tell that isn't exactly what she meant and she really kind of clammed up when I pushed a little more and started to get mad. I said that the counselor told me that I didn't have to get all her emotional needs from me (which I agree with) except for 100% of her sexual needs unless we had an open marriage. Teh counselor said I did have to meet at lest 80% of her needs or we were in trouble. She responded that she didn't want an open marriage very quickly, and I believe her. All this led to me moping around all night which she hates.

anyways, I've got two questions I guess. First, the story I'm starting to tell myself in my head is that my wife may want to have a romantic relationship with me AND this other man. I am not willing to accept this (even if the other relationship has no sex). How do I bring up the subject with my wife without her getting mad? What kind of non threatening questions can I ask, or do I just have to wait for her to bring it up? I really want to know how she feels, even if it hurts me. I love her and want her to be happy, but I also need to be happy myself.

The second question is: Now that I think she has started to think about the possibility of this other man, even if she decides that isn't what she wants do you think we can go forward? If so, how? all the marriage websites say no contact with the other man. My heart tells me that if that doesn't happen her feelings for him will never go away, but if I tell her this I think it will just drive her to him.

I found this website because I was searching for some way to understand what I think my wife is going through and I thought this fit. Even though I am a monogomist I do respect other people's decision and freedom, I just know in my heart that I wouldn't be able to handle a poly arrangement at all...any advice sure would be appreciated! It would be especially nice if you told me I was nuts, needed to get on some meds and that all this was in my head, but unfortunately I trust my heart.
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