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Old 03-25-2010, 02:55 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Why the word "retroactive" then? It seems to imply that things were humming along until someone got stuck, freaked out and called the whole thing off because "they" are having a hard time. Rather than asking for some attention to their needs in order to move forward.

All this is very tricky, it's true. There is no absolute anything in any of this in my experience. I hate these stupid definitions. Not because they weren't useful at one point in my life but because people think they have to make them absolute one way or another. Really they morph as different people come and go from our lives, in my experience.

We have been over "veto" before on here several times. A search might bring up some interesting stuff. The thing that has come up over and over for me is that it seems people think that it is negative. Sure it needs to be used carefully, but why is it negative to have a gut reaction to something, or an adverse experience and ask your partner to call something off? Is there no situation where this would be a good idea for the health and safety of a relationship?

"there is not enough trust in the relationship for it to open itself up to other partners. There is no reasonable explanation for a veto. It's an excuse for a person to act entirely out of self-interest, and that's not love."

Not to pick on you thunkybunny, that isn't my intent, but I had a thought that perhaps there are other reasons for a veto other than excuses to act out of self-interest rather than love? Perhaps being absolutely sure that veto is always bad is counter productive and keeps us from moving forward.

For me the veto I used was to protect my family and protect my husband from having so much crazy NRE that he forgot about us.... not to mention the woman that he was in love with was using him in my opinion and he didn't see it. He saw it eventually and called it off himself.

Was I wrong to do this? Maybe, but we were just starting out and we were wary. There is nothing wrong with that in my opinion. I am assuming that others are starting out too and that there is some reassurance in vetos for them.... does that mean they get to do whatever and take advantage of others because they can just call it off when they want, no. That isn't fair either.

The whole defining anything thing all needs to be taken with a grain of salt in my opinion. What is one persons reality is not another persons and that needs respecting to me.

I'm just trying to remember that unless I have lived through something, I really doesn't know anything about something, just what others say.... I don't know what anyone else experiences, just myself and if someone wanted to tell me their "veto" worked in their relationship then I need to believe it worked for them.

I'm finding more and more that there is a trend in "poly talk" to make absolute statements about other peoples reality. Why is that? Is someone out there saying, "this is the way" and everyone following along? Can we not encorporate what others say and make it our own when we have some experience in it or in terms of our lives? The same language seems to come up over and over and it all says the same thing.... this is totally an aside, just something I have noticed.
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