Originally Posted by LondonGuy
It turned nasty at the munch, shouting in front of our friends - the worst thing that could have happened. But I just need us to communicate properly, slowly and with respect for each others insecurities. Why is that so hard to expect? Am I expecting it too soon in our relationship? Am I expecting it too soon after an argument?
I want to support her on her insecurities and want support back on mine, but I can't do that unless we can access them in a discussion without them being flipped round and attacked. In this regard it sometimes feels like I'm the only one wanting to make that effort - it feels like I'm the only one putting emotion and effort into things.
In fairness emotional flooding probably contributed to what happened today, exactly as LR has mentioned before. S had drank 5 glasses of Rose by this point...
Completely idiotic to even attempt to discuss ANYTHING about your relationship-ESPECIALLY the three of you-with alcohol involved.
This is true of ANY issue that is an "issue"-alcohol is NOT a good additive to a conversation.
WHY it is so hard to expect appropriate communication is because you are not either one taking responsibility to make sure that communication is kept appropriate.
How? NOT addressing sensitive topics IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.
Not addressing sensitive topics when under the influence.
Conversation kept appropriate-means one person speaks. Then the other person repeats back IN THEIR OWN WORDS. Then first person addresses if they got it right or not.
That's how you manage hot topics.
IF it's a group of three people, person one speaks. Person 2 repeats in own words. Person 1 addresses if it was correct. Person 3 repeats in own words. Person one addresses if it was correct.
NO MOVING ON into person 2 or 3's two cents until person 1's topic has been addressed, confirmed as being correctly understood by both listeners.
FEELING like you are the only one....
FEELINGS are NOT rational. They should not ever be used as the gauge to measure effort.
Questioning the relationship is fine. BUT-if she's unsure she wants to keep dating-you both need to stop dating each other until the decision is dealt with. Because being a couple means working through the problems. EVERY relationship has problems. IF the problems are more than she wants to work through-she needs to end it. If she wants to be with you-she needs to commit to working through the issues as they arise.
If you need a timeout-you don't just walk away. YOU SAY "I need a time out. I'm too angry to be rational. Can we re-address this at xyz time."