Thread: Vicki's Journey
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Old 11-18-2013, 04:50 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 208

It's been interesting seeing how I felt post last weekend with E. I didn't see him this past weekend because he had plans, but I will be seeing him this coming weekend.

I didn't have that big crash after seeing him that time, which surprised me a little. I still had that lingering feeling of sadness and wanting more, but less of the other negative feelings. I've also noticed that I have much less interest in finding someone new, someone who might want the same type of relationship that I do. I tell myself it's because I'm really happy with E, and that I care more about him as a person than potentially finding a new guy who would want to be my sub and my lover.

I don't have time for multiple secondary relationships, so it's not as easy as just leaving myself open to meeting more people. If I started dating someone new, I wouldn't have time for E.

And of course... hope springs eternal. It's still hard for me to accept that he has no feelings of that nature for me since the way I feel when we're together is loved and cared for. Sigh.

This weekend I'm having a party, and it was supposed to be a few of my vanilla friends who know I'm poly, E, and H. H told me a few days ago that right now in his current mental state, that he isn't able to cope with being around E in a social setting for the weekend. All of our friends would be staying here for the weekend so it's not like it's only a few hours.

I'm feeling sad that H is choosing not to attend my party, but I know it's better than him going and having a meltdown because he still feels shaky. He told me that he's fine with me having the relationship with E- just that right now he can't cope with seeing it. I really wish things were different. We talked again last night and I told him that it's hard for me to understand the difference in what he says, that I worry that what he's telling me is that he's NOT okay with my relationship and that's why he can't be there. He says it's not the case, but at least I was able to explain my feelings and why I've been so down lately. I had been really excited and looking forward to having all my favourite people around for my birthday, and I was prepared to negotiate limits with H on his comfort level for my behaviour with E in front of him. But, it's not going to happen for now. At least H is getting better at understanding his emotions. He's not very good with feelings at times and understanding how and why, and expressing them. So, this is a start.
Me: 34 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People:
Henry, 30yrs, my collared submissive, cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
Mark/StbxH, my exhusband of ten years, finally divorced.
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