It's been interesting seeing how I felt post last weekend with E. I didn't see him this past weekend because he had plans, but I will be seeing him this coming weekend.
I didn't have that big crash after seeing him that time, which surprised me a little. I still had that lingering feeling of sadness and wanting more, but less of the other negative feelings. I've also noticed that I have much less interest in finding someone new, someone who might want the same type of relationship that I do. I tell myself it's because I'm really happy with E, and that I care more about him as a person than potentially finding a new guy who would want to be my sub and my lover.
I don't have time for multiple secondary relationships, so it's not as easy as just leaving myself open to meeting more people. If I started dating someone new, I wouldn't have time for E.
And of course... hope springs eternal. It's still hard for me to accept that he has no feelings of that nature for me since the way I feel when we're together is loved and cared for. Sigh.
This weekend I'm having a party, and it was supposed to be a few of my vanilla friends who know I'm poly, E, and H. H told me a few days ago that right now in his current mental state, that he isn't able to cope with being around E in a social setting for the weekend. All of our friends would be staying here for the weekend so it's not like it's only a few hours.
I'm feeling sad that H is choosing not to attend my party, but I know it's better than him going and having a meltdown because he still feels shaky. He told me that he's fine with me having the relationship with E- just that right now he can't cope with seeing it. I really wish things were different. We talked again last night and I told him that it's hard for me to understand the difference in what he says, that I worry that what he's telling me is that he's NOT okay with my relationship and that's why he can't be there. He says it's not the case, but at least I was able to explain my feelings and why I've been so down lately. I had been really excited and looking forward to having all my favourite people around for my birthday, and I was prepared to negotiate limits with H on his comfort level for my behaviour with E in front of him. But, it's not going to happen for now. At least H is getting better at understanding his emotions. He's not very good with feelings at times and understanding how and why, and expressing them. So, this is a start.
: 32 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
Mark/StbxH, my husband of ten years, now separated with no desire of reconciliation.
Henry, 28yrs, my collared submissive, dating for 11 months and recently cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 39yrs, dating for a year. Married and has other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son