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Old 11-18-2013, 07:27 AM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Humberside, no longer in London but I still visit regularly
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Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Threatening to dump you every time she doesn't get her way is nothing but an adult temper tantrum.
It sounds like you both have a lot of emotional triggers that make it difficult to have a balanced, calm conversation when difficult issues arise.

Can you and S find some way to create a new way of interacting that leads to a more harmonious relationship? Less ultimatums and more negotiations? The way you describe it sounds more like an ongoing drama
It is unfortunately, we are capable of communicating well, it's just that it seems to be a process we are learning as we go. Poly is all very new to us and the most important thing is communication, communication, communication... That needs to be a two way process with both parties wanting to come to it willing to express how they are feeling, what insecurities they have, how they feel it might be possible to address them etc

Coming to it and making the first thing you say "I have to be honest, I have been thinking of splitting up" when you've clearly designated to try to work through things seems from my perspective to be a manipulative tactic. From S's perspective that's just sharing how she's been feeling... but surely that should just be something you go to when you have tried resolving things and it's got nowhere?

I want her to have the freedom to leave if she wants to, but she's spent the past couple of weeks saying she's been willing to talk and we have made progress at times. Baby steps. But that's all I expect.

I'm not going to rush her on things as I know these are genuine insecurities. Insecurities are not something you can control, she's not consciously saying no to me and J because she's a nasty bitch - quite the opposite!! She feels horrible for saying no and has been beating herself up over it.

But when we try and talk things through she feels this weight on her shoulders... like everything's her fault. It's not!! I just want to communicate properly and that's something we both need to do. If ultimately that fails then by all means we should conclude that the relationship won't work... but to throw this into the communication stage as a statement strikes me as not being willing to communicate. I've told her it hits upon insecurities for me and seems manipulative and she's done it again today.
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