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Old 11-17-2013, 10:30 PM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Humberside, no longer in London but I still visit regularly
Posts: 90

I just had a terrible weekend and am now at the lowest point I've ever been.

Since this all started 2 weeks ago S has constantly started saying she wants to think about whether or not she even want a relationship. I don't mind her saying this but when she brings it up during a discussion about x/y/z it feels like a means to control.

Yesterday I snapped during a discussion about one specific aspect of all the above problem... she said again that she wanted to have a think about our future. Bringing it up at this point is purely about trying to avoid the issue altogether and then force her own way. Or at least this is how it feels.

I told her about how this makes me feel like she doesn't ever want to genuinely discuss things and wants to just dodge them or force her own way. I told her specifically how it's just breaking me. It feels like our whole relationship revolves around her.

Today we were at a munch. J was there and we wanted to have a chat between the three of us to clear the air. I thought it went well, then afterwards S said that I was constantly talking over her. I really didn't think I was, but if I was then I'm sorry - I am borderline aspergers (I have many traits) and I struggle to know when it's my turn to speak in social situations. S concluded from this that I was clearly putting J ahead of her in terms of my priorities - to conclude this really annoyed me and I tried to reassure, it didn't work and I snapped a bit.

S then went to cry her eyes out in the ladies toilets, J and another friend both then went to try and help calm her down. I sat there fuming in the bar, wanting to reassure her, wanting to comfort her, desperately needing comfort myself...

When she came out we went outside to chat and the first words out her mouth were that she needs to have a think about what she wants to do regarding our future. I saw red, she hit that boundary again hard and I turned my back and walked back into the bar. I tried approaching her 10 minutes later and said I wanted to actually genuinely chat with her, she just said I had my chance and walked away.

It turned nasty at the munch, shouting in front of our friends - the worst thing that could have happened. But I just need us to communicate properly, slowly and with respect for each others insecurities. Why is that so hard to expect? Am I expecting it too soon in our relationship? Am I expecting it too soon after an argument?

I want to support her on her insecurities and want support back on mine, but I can't do that unless we can access them in a discussion without them being flipped round and attacked. In this regard it sometimes feels like I'm the only one wanting to make that effort - it feels like I'm the only one putting emotion and effort into things.

In fairness emotional flooding probably contributed to what happened today, exactly as LR has mentioned before. S had drank 5 glasses of Rose by this point...

I could forget all this though if she'd just be willing to give everything one last effort. A genuine effort with slow and thorough communication.
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

Dragon_hide on Fetlife

In a primary relationship with SwissMeaw

Last edited by LondonGuy; 11-17-2013 at 10:46 PM.
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